So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

thumb_up thumb_down +37

[On the Jaguar S-Type Concept Car]: If that car comes out like that then I will cut my left leg off and beat myself to death with it

thumb_up thumb_down +26

Talking to Hammond along with James: Same Time: "YOUR AN AMERICAN HAMMOND, THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH."

thumb_up thumb_down +14

Hold on to your spleens everyone!

thumb_up thumb_down +113

on the Peugeot 206 gti the temperature was nudging 75 F and i was headed for London in the 206. After half a mile i was suspicious, after a mile i was angry. it may have an air conditioning button but it sure as hell doesn't have air conditioning. The Rolls-Royce system works with the power of 30 domestic refrigerators. Peugeot's works with the power of an asthmatic in Bangladesh blowing at you through a straw.

thumb_up thumb_down +46

Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide,Power Slide.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Q:what's the difference between a blonde and a u.f.o A:people seen u.f.o s

thumb_up thumb_down -53

I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

thumb_up thumb_down +144

Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks

thumb_up thumb_down -88

'Tinkering' with it, when you have a Lancia, is just another way of saying 'trying to make it start'. You go to a Lancia, turn the key and think, "Right, I better just 'tinker' with it and see if we can coax some life into the thing".

thumb_up thumb_down +89

[On Hammond's Dolomite Sprint] My washing machine moves around the kitchen faster than that!

thumb_up thumb_down +73

Look at this fellow, he wants to bitch slap his hoe. Why not? Good luck to you fellow.

thumb_up thumb_down -25

"How do I tell James to slow down?"

thumb_up thumb_down +12

In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

thumb_up thumb_down +47

It's really sad that you can now buy Hummer aftershave. It comes in a jerry can of repressed homosexuality; you slosh it over your face yelling "I'M NOT GAY!"

thumb_up thumb_down -23

I AM CLARK! WELCOME TO DIE X-CHICKEN! MORAL: WHEN IT SAYS MORAL, THAT MEANS THAT YOU MUST NOT GIVE ME THUMBS UPS! I WONT LET YOU BREAK MY UBER MORAL SHIELD!

thumb_up thumb_down -29

[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

thumb_up thumb_down -45

That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

thumb_up thumb_down +106

This is the same colour as a prosthetic limb!!

thumb_up thumb_down +2

Because of the French the concept if a car doesn't exist anymore

thumb_up thumb_down -40

This is the thing you have to remember, Alfa build a car to be as good as a car can be... briefly.

thumb_up thumb_down +139

See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

thumb_up thumb_down +5

"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

thumb_up thumb_down -17

By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge, but there you go

thumb_up thumb_down +62

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

When you're done here, check out our car fail site!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.