Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

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On the TVR Tuscan 2 “You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon’s backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says it’s too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone’s tried to mend their own shoes.

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Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

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...The wheel arches are flared, the car is slightly lowered, and at the back there are extra poo shoots

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On the Citroën Berlingo: You can tell when a car firm is desperate to find things to say about their car, just look at the website: it has a laminated front windscreen, single front passenger seat, and manually adjustable door mirrors. So no electric mirrors, no alloy wheels. So it's a very good car so long as you want something that's equipped like a Romanian jail.

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It's perfect for short trips to the golf club. As a matter of fact, the [Mercedes CLS's] Satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations, and golf courses: everything the modern Mercedes driver needs.

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Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks

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Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

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Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.

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Speed never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.

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[On the Clio V6]: It had the worst turning circle in the world - you had to actually go round the world to actually turn it round.

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The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

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On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

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Today, Porsche brings ANOTHER 911 to an already confused world...

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On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

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I love the feel of some hairy, salty balls on my chin. Mmmmm!

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Okay, engines for the Alfa Romeo Brera: 2.2 liters, 3.2 v6, and you can have a diesel if you're the type of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

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Nope, Moral Man the people`s champion does not know either... Moral: Now and forever, I am Moral Man.

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...In the world.

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On the Renault Clio V6 “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

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It has dials the size of a fat spaniels face.

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[Alfa Romeo Brera] I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather, and I'm nursing a semi.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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