You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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On the Porsche Cayman S “There are many things I’d rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.”

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"Now, Rich, would you like some pussy? (...) PUSSY, energy drink"

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[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

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I was driving this [Bentley Brooklands] on a sort of normal B road the other day, and it gave me some idea what it would be like to try and park the moon.

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The old Aston Martin DB7 was just a Jag in drag. It was an XJ-S in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different.

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I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i.

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On the Enzo Ferrari "I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

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Today Jeremy Clarkson Married a Lamborghini and move to Switz

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The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

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Now the interesting thing about this car is that under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.

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Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

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Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

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As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

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On the Koenigsegg CCX “I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!”

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It's not a torch! It's a RAMPANT RABBIT!!

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In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

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Hold on to your spleens everyone!

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On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

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Grips good, if you want to win a race, grip is brilliant. BUT for drifting.. for having FUN.. grip is BAD!

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The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

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Scientists are trying 2… . figure out how long… . a person can live … . without brain… . . . Please tell them ur age!!! Hindi TV Shows

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Motorized pepper grinder?

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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