- Clarksonisms

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Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

I believe in speed - power... power and speed solve many things!

Just because something is unreliable doesn't mean it isn't great. Take, for example, Stephen Hawking. Great man, but most of him doesn't work.

The old Aston Martin DB7 was just a Jag in drag. It was an XJ-S in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different.

This [Maserati Quattroporte GTS] is like having a 3-year old child. It's really annoying most of the time, but if someone tried to take it away from you, you'd kill them for it.

It's like being tangled in a douvet on a hot night, I hate it!" Describibg one of the awful American pieces of tat on the good bad and the ugly dvd. Brilliant

The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

[FSO Polenez] It's less reliable than a pensioner's erection.

Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

On British Leyland: "Never in the field of human endeavour has so much been done, so badly, by so many."

The back of the BMW 6 series... it looks like a tramp's hat!

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

On the Renault Clio V6 “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

On the Corvette Z06 “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

what`s the difference of a blonde and a ufo people have ufos

Clarksonisms

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