- Clarksonisms

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Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

Now the interesting thing about this car is that under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.

The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

I believe in speed - power... power and speed solve many things!

It has dials the size of a fat spaniels face.

On the Lotus Exige “To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bacofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.”

Doesn't matter if it's Hell in a Cell, Rage in a Cage or Painus in your anus!

On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

What's the difference beetween a washing machine and a dead body. I dont have a washing machine in my basement...

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

Driving a 1M As if somebody suddenly gave you the permission to set fire to Piers Morgan.

Hating jewd isn't rascist, it's actually called being anti-semetist

On the Enzo Ferrari "I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

On A Lincoln Towncar. I can see him at home with his wife now. Dammit Myrdle! I can't figger out a way to make this wheel square! I got me square dials, I got me a square dash, I got me a square body. But the wheel! it's circular! Ruins the whole KAWR!

Q:what's the difference between a blonde and a u.f.o A:people seen u.f.o s

BMW 645Ci "If you were to buy a 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside."

On the porsche GT2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that concludes my roadroad test of the GT2.

Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.

the fastest car IN THE WORLD!!

Are there any Spanish people here today? Yes? GIVE ME MY FISH BACK!

(Upon seeing a gentleman with shoulder-length hair in the audience): "Jesus is here!"

Clarksonisms

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