"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

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On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

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Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

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Kia Rio "You may have seen The Fly II, in which a scientist attempts to teleport a dog. In one of the most gruesome scenes I’ve seen in a film it arrives at its destination completely inside out. Well the Rio is uglier than that. Inside, things get worse. "Small wonder Kia’s importer in Britain is sponsoring the Pedestrian Association’s Walking Bus scheme. The idea is that parents take it in turns to walk a group, or "bus", of children to their school in a morning. After three days of being transported in the Rio, my kids thought it was a brilliant idea to walk instead. Even though their school is 18 miles away and it was blowing a gale directly from the Canadian tundra."

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we wait with anticipation

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Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

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This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!'

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Look at this fellow, he wants to bitch slap his hoe. Why not? Good luck to you fellow.

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I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

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Grips good, if you want to win a race, grip is brilliant. BUT for drifting.. for having FUN.. grip is BAD!

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On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

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If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

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On the Enzo Ferrari "I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

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[In the Police Car Challenge] In jail, no one can here you scream

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Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

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The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

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On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

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The engine sounds like a Spitfire fighter plane

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Old jags are like living inside James May but this one is like living inside James Kirk

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Shut up with all your terrible banter!!!

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On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

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On Detroit “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place."

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A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

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On the Vauxhall vectra: it's a cure for ADD, any child with would fall asleep in 3 minutes flat

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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