On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

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There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

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You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

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On the BMW X5 M There's a gallon of fuel gone there, and another there...and yet another there. As a matter of fact, the only way this car could be less annoying to eco-mentalists is if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.

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This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

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Now the interesting thing about this car is that under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.

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I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

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(Referring to the Morris Marina) "The unpleasant log laid by British Leyland after communism crept like an itchy red blanket over the shop floor."

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Motorized pepper grinder?

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Buying this car for its dynamic abilities, is like buying a porn film for its plot.

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It's perfect for short trips to the golf club. As a matter of fact, the [Mercedes CLS's] Satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations, and golf courses: everything the modern Mercedes driver needs.

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It's not a torch! It's a RAMPANT RABBIT!!

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The Stig: Some say he was born in space, and that he is illegal in 17 U.S. states.

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While driving through a rural part of India: "MONKEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!! MONKEY MONKEY.... with MASSIVE testicles!!!!"

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While discussing The Stig's tube leg of the race, on foot through london, "....or stig could be mistaken for a Brazillian plumber". Not very PC but very apt - and you are left in no doubt on his thoughts on the subject.

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It costs Volkswagen £200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could probably make a couple of cars for that.

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The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i.

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Assessing Hammond's crash: Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!" Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph." Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

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POWER!!!!!!!!!!

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Speed never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.

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I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

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I was driving this [Bentley Brooklands] on a sort of normal B road the other day, and it gave me some idea what it would be like to try and park the moon.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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