Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

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So the Porsche Cayman is a Boxster with a roof. They should have called it the Cockster.

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If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

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Clarkson on saving money How's this for an idea?...never brake

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Look at this fellow, he wants to bitch slap his hoe. Why not? Good luck to you fellow.

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And again, I'm the voice of reason and commen sence

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On the TVR Tuscan 2 “It’s supposed to be easier to live with, and easier to drive... so has it worked? Ohh... Oh, my God. No... no... no, no, no. No. No. No, it hasn’t.”

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(Referring to the Morris Marina) "The unpleasant log laid by British Leyland after communism crept like an itchy red blanket over the shop floor."

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This is the new Maserati 4x4. It's called the Kubang, which being a Maserati, probably also the sound it'll make when the warranty expires.

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"... And his miserable flat 6 is no match for this V8 tower of power!" Jeremy Clarkson on Audi R8 & Porsche Carrera 2

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Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

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Listen to this chap. He wants to "bitch slap his hoe" why not. Good luck to ya fella

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Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?

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On the Corvette Z06 “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

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On A Lincoln Towncar. I can see him at home with his wife now. Dammit Myrdle! I can't figger out a way to make this wheel square! I got me square dials, I got me a square dash, I got me a square body. But the wheel! it's circular! Ruins the whole KAWR!

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Air Conditioning systems in Lamborghini's of old was like a mouse, coughing on you. Acho. Acho. -Review of the Lamborghini Murcielago LP640

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Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

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On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

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The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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Now the interesting thing about this car is that under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.

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Land Rover Defender 90 Td5 Station Wagon "Often fourth isn’t enough to get you up a hill, so you drop down to third and it feels as though you’ve been hit in the back with a wrecking ball. All of a sudden you’re doing 35mph but your eight-ton suit of armour, making a noise that sounds like the birth of the universe, has come to an almost dead stop. "What’s more, there still isn’t enough room behind the wheel for anyone with shoulders or legs, there are still sharp edges, it’s as bouncy as a small dog at suppertime, and as a result it’s about as much fun to drive as a punctured wheelbarrow. And it’s not like the misery is short-lived, because each trip to the shops can, and does, take two or three weeks."

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Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

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Kia Rio "You may have seen The Fly II, in which a scientist attempts to teleport a dog. In one of the most gruesome scenes I’ve seen in a film it arrives at its destination completely inside out. Well the Rio is uglier than that. Inside, things get worse. "Small wonder Kia’s importer in Britain is sponsoring the Pedestrian Association’s Walking Bus scheme. The idea is that parents take it in turns to walk a group, or "bus", of children to their school in a morning. After three days of being transported in the Rio, my kids thought it was a brilliant idea to walk instead. Even though their school is 18 miles away and it was blowing a gale directly from the Canadian tundra."

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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