"So having a twin turbo V12 diesel is like, turning your central heating off at home, and then keeping warm ... by burning Rembrandts." Audi Q7 V12 TDI

thumb_up thumb_down +96

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

thumb_up thumb_down +150

[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

thumb_up thumb_down +21

Jeremy on their challenge when James was gonna be piloting a plane: "So it'll be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage!"

thumb_up thumb_down -9

When you reach he limits of grip, the Jaguar XJ220 demands a special technique. You put your foot on the clutch, and repeat after me: Our Father, who art in heaven, I'll be there in a minute.

thumb_up thumb_down -45

On the Mercedes CLS55: Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

thumb_up thumb_down +54

On Detroit “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place."

thumb_up thumb_down +221

[Alfa Romeo Brera] I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather, and I'm nursing a semi.

thumb_up thumb_down +37

Nope, Moral Man the people`s champion does not know either... Moral: Now and forever, I am Moral Man.

thumb_up thumb_down -42

'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

thumb_up thumb_down +9

Yes, it's firm, but it's not uncomfortable. I mean compared to hanging from a bird's nest...by your fingernails...a million feet above some pointy boulders, for example.

thumb_up thumb_down +98

On the mclaren MP4-12C The first thing I would like to know is why they've named it after a fax machine.

thumb_up thumb_down +225

Clarkson on saving money How's this for an idea?...never brake

thumb_up thumb_down -20

And, it's made in Britain! Which is another way of saying the door is going to fall off.

thumb_up thumb_down +39

most of you will think that showing up in cars like these in romania is like going to somalia with a suit made out of food...

thumb_up thumb_down -89

(On the TukTuk) I think I have cancer now.

thumb_up thumb_down +56

I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

thumb_up thumb_down +55

Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

thumb_up thumb_down -620

You know what's funny? The Joke below this one.

thumb_up thumb_down +55

On A Lincoln Towncar. I can see him at home with his wife now. Dammit Myrdle! I can't figger out a way to make this wheel square! I got me square dials, I got me a square dash, I got me a square body. But the wheel! it's circular! Ruins the whole KAWR!

thumb_up thumb_down +153

What's worse than the holocaust? 6 million Jews.

thumb_up thumb_down +124

Shut up with all your terrible banter!!!

thumb_up thumb_down -24

Kia Rio "You may have seen The Fly II, in which a scientist attempts to teleport a dog. In one of the most gruesome scenes I’ve seen in a film it arrives at its destination completely inside out. Well the Rio is uglier than that. Inside, things get worse. "Small wonder Kia’s importer in Britain is sponsoring the Pedestrian Association’s Walking Bus scheme. The idea is that parents take it in turns to walk a group, or "bus", of children to their school in a morning. After three days of being transported in the Rio, my kids thought it was a brilliant idea to walk instead. Even though their school is 18 miles away and it was blowing a gale directly from the Canadian tundra."

thumb_up thumb_down +141

The engine sounds like a Spitfire fighter plane

thumb_up thumb_down -53

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

When you're done here, check out our car fail site!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.