- Clarksonisms

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"Still, if you want one [X5 M], get your nurse to find you a crayon and write out a check for seventy six thousand pounds...or if you don't understand how crayons work, you could spend even more on this rather ugly Audi."

Q:what's the difference between a blonde and a u.f.o A:people seen u.f.o s

Converting a racing car into a street car is like watching porn with all the good bits cut out... all you end up watching is a close up of some sweaty bloke bobbing his head for half an hour.

[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

On The Stig: Some say that he was a science experiment gone wrong and that he only eats cheese. All we know is, he's called the stig!

Could you really get children to work in a factory? Becouse that would be brilliant!

So the Porsche Cayman is a Boxster with a roof. They should have called it the Cockster.

...The wheel arches are flared, the car is slightly lowered, and at the back there are extra poo shoots

Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

Clarkson on saving money How's this for an idea?...never brake

While discussing The Stig's tube leg of the race, on foot through london, "....or stig could be mistaken for a Brazillian plumber". Not very PC but very apt - and you are left in no doubt on his thoughts on the subject.

This [Ferrari F60 Enzo] isn't just uncool, it's seriously uncool. Think of it this way, if you walk into the bathroom and see a man standing suspiciously close to the urinal, he probably owns one of them.

What did the orphan kids get for Christmas? Cancer.

"Aston Martin DB9. That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography."

BMW 645Ci "If you were to buy a 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside."

On the Koenigsegg CCX “I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!”

There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

I don't like being overtaken. It's a sign of weakness.

M3 drivers have no friends.

The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

It's like putting a furious weasel in your underpants!

Deal with it

Clarksonisms

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