Now the interesting thing about this car is that under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.

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Q:what's the difference between a blonde and a u.f.o A:people seen u.f.o s

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You know what's funny? The Joke below this one.

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Now that we have power steering, all you have to do [to race] is lie down, turn the wheel, and if you want to win all you have to do is go a little bit faster than all the others.

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On the Vauxhall Astra VXR No, listen, listen, listen, you won't be at the party if you drive one of these because you'll have torque-steered into a tree on the way. And you'd be killed, and that's important to die in an anecdote...your children will say "daddy died in a fireball in a Vauxhall and a tree!"

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this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

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The Stig: Some say he was born in space, and that he is illegal in 17 U.S. states.

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"Now, Rich, would you like some pussy? (...) PUSSY, energy drink"

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[On the Clio V6]: It had the worst turning circle in the world - you had to actually go round the world to actually turn it round.

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... And across the line!

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Hammond: "The premiums for 17 year old girls are around half what they are for 17 year old boys" Clarkson: "Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there! If you're a 17 year old and you need car insurance, slice your penis off."

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Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

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Best Driving Roads: Yep, ah, It’s unlikely to be here cause everyone does 5mph (N. America), it’s not going to be here cause everyone is on drugs (S. America), that’s just all full of Ox (Africa), Al Gore says that’s gone (Antarctica) so its not going to be down there, That’s just all Spiders (Australia), sign posts are all full of gibberish (Japan), They’re all communist (Kazakhstan/Russia), can’t go there cause the Americans will shoot you (Iraq)

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tonight, james wears jack sanders like a hat, richard wears jack sanders like a hat, and i wear jack sanders like a hat

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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tonight... we test drive... a fiat punto. a VW golf and adam burdass

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Some sa that he's wanted by the CIA, and that he only eats cheese. All we know is... he's NOT the Stig, but he is Barack Obama... No wait, the Stig's AMERICAN COUSIN!

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That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

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If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

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Best to you with our ice cream van with a gun on top of it.

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What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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Jeremy on the Pagani Zonda F Roadster: "This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat."

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See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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