'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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Q:what's the difference between a blonde and a u.f.o A:people seen u.f.o s

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That Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.

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[On the Jaguar S-Type Concept Car]: If that car comes out like that then I will cut my left leg off and beat myself to death with it

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(On the TukTuk) I think I have cancer now.

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[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

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[On Hammond's Dolomite Sprint] My washing machine moves around the kitchen faster than that!

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I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

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Talking to Hammond along with James: Same Time: "YOUR AN AMERICAN HAMMOND, THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH."

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In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

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Look at this fellow, he wants to bitch slap his hoe. Why not? Good luck to you fellow.

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That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

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on the Peugeot 206 gti the temperature was nudging 75 F and i was headed for London in the 206. After half a mile i was suspicious, after a mile i was angry. it may have an air conditioning button but it sure as hell doesn't have air conditioning. The Rolls-Royce system works with the power of 30 domestic refrigerators. Peugeot's works with the power of an asthmatic in Bangladesh blowing at you through a straw.

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This is the same colour as a prosthetic limb!!

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"How do I tell James to slow down?"

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By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge, but there you go

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It's really sad that you can now buy Hummer aftershave. It comes in a jerry can of repressed homosexuality; you slosh it over your face yelling "I'M NOT GAY!"

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This is the thing you have to remember, Alfa build a car to be as good as a car can be... briefly.

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I AM CLARK! WELCOME TO DIE X-CHICKEN! MORAL: WHEN IT SAYS MORAL, THAT MEANS THAT YOU MUST NOT GIVE ME THUMBS UPS! I WONT LET YOU BREAK MY UBER MORAL SHIELD!

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'Tinkering' with it, when you have a Lancia, is just another way of saying 'trying to make it start'. You go to a Lancia, turn the key and think, "Right, I better just 'tinker' with it and see if we can coax some life into the thing".

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Are there any Spanish people here today? Yes? GIVE ME MY FISH BACK!

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"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

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See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

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POOOOWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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