'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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I do not understand why some people refer to their cars as "She" , lovingly. You never screw your car.

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on the Peugeot 206 gti the temperature was nudging 75 F and i was headed for London in the 206. After half a mile i was suspicious, after a mile i was angry. it may have an air conditioning button but it sure as hell doesn't have air conditioning. The Rolls-Royce system works with the power of 30 domestic refrigerators. Peugeot's works with the power of an asthmatic in Bangladesh blowing at you through a straw.

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When you reach he limits of grip, the Jaguar XJ220 demands a special technique. You put your foot on the clutch, and repeat after me: Our Father, who art in heaven, I'll be there in a minute.

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A man walked into a bar May he rest in peace

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"And even supposing British cars were terrible, we wouldn't go about saying so. You don't see Jack Bauer saying 'Don't come to America, it's filled with terrorists'!"

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It's as reliable and long lasting as a pensioners erection.

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Scientists are trying 2… . figure out how long… . a person can live … . without brain… . . . Please tell them ur age!!! Hindi TV Shows

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Look at this fellow, he wants to bitch slap his hoe. Why not? Good luck to you fellow.

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Today, Porsche brings ANOTHER 911 to an already confused world...

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On the Vauxhall vectra: it's a cure for ADD, any child with would fall asleep in 3 minutes flat

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If you've got a better route map from the AA website, why don't you write to us at 'I asked the AA for a route to King's Lynn and now I'm on the International Space Station', Top Gear, London

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On the Chrysler Crossfire: "This is the worst thing that's come out of Germans and Americans working together since a fellow named Adolphus Busch arrived in America, tasted the water, and said "yeah, I could make beer out of this." And we were given that headache in a can - Budweiser."

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It's like God having really unusual sex. (On the sound of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia)

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[On the Citroen Berlingo]: "It's a very good car, so long as you want something that's equipped like a Romanian jail'

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[On Hammond's Dolomite Sprint] My washing machine moves around the kitchen faster than that!

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On the mclaren MP4-12C The first thing I would like to know is why they've named it after a fax machine.

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On The Stig: Some say that he was a science experiment gone wrong and that he only eats cheese. All we know is, he's called the stig!

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Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

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on the corvette: So if you want a car with vietnamese suspension that is made out of plastic, this is the car for you!

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Clarkson on saving money How's this for an idea?...never brake

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On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

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What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

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People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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