- Clarksonisms

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Regarding driving a Reliant Robin: "What we're about to do is about as dangerous as...inviting your mum over for an evening on ChatRoulette."

You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.

On the Alfa Romeo Brera “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

When discussing the suspension adjustability on the Bentley Continental GT. "It really is about as useful as having a snooze button on a smoke alarm".

On a Chevrolet Corvette "The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

[on his own driving test] - I didn't see it as a driving test so much as a confirmation of my excelence.

On the Enzo Ferrari “Ferrari is so pleased with it they’ve named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That’d be the same as Lotus calling their next car... ‘The Colin.’”

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

How many years are there in donkey years?

It's like God having really unusual sex. (On the sound of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia)

That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

In the olden days, Ferrari used to build their racing cars with a lot of passion and enthusiasm. Then, on lap 3 as often as not, they would explode into a passionate and enthusiastic fireball. Since then, they've started building their racing cars with with science and math...

I do not understand why some people refer to their cars as "She" , lovingly. You never screw your car.

Listen to this chap. He wants to "bitch slap his hoe" why not. Good luck to ya fella

Now that we have power steering, all you have to do [to race] is lie down, turn the wheel, and if you want to win all you have to do is go a little bit faster than all the others.

Clarksonisms

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