'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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on the Peugeot 206 gti the temperature was nudging 75 F and i was headed for London in the 206. After half a mile i was suspicious, after a mile i was angry. it may have an air conditioning button but it sure as hell doesn't have air conditioning. The Rolls-Royce system works with the power of 30 domestic refrigerators. Peugeot's works with the power of an asthmatic in Bangladesh blowing at you through a straw.

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This is the thing you have to remember, Alfa build a car to be as good as a car can be... briefly.

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On British Leyland: "Never in the field of human endeavour has so much been done, so badly, by so many."

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Best Driving Roads: Yep, ah, It’s unlikely to be here cause everyone does 5mph (N. America), it’s not going to be here cause everyone is on drugs (S. America), that’s just all full of Ox (Africa), Al Gore says that’s gone (Antarctica) so its not going to be down there, That’s just all Spiders (Australia), sign posts are all full of gibberish (Japan), They’re all communist (Kazakhstan/Russia), can’t go there cause the Americans will shoot you (Iraq)

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-On the Morgan Aero 8 Clarkson: You spent money on that? Hammond: Yeah. why not? Clarkson: Thats like saying 'Well, I've had marriage proposals from Angelina Jolie, Penelope Cruz, Natalie Portman, but no, I'm going to marry John McCrirrick'

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Because of the French the concept if a car doesn't exist anymore

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On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

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On the Chrysler Crossfire: "This is the worst thing that's come out of Germans and Americans working together since a fellow named Adolphus Busch arrived in America, tasted the water, and said "yeah, I could make beer out of this." And we were given that headache in a can - Budweiser."

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Some Poos Come Out

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In the WOOORLD...

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On Gallardo Spyder "I am in love!"

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car goes fast

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[On Hammond's Dolomite Sprint] My washing machine moves around the kitchen faster than that!

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

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what`s the difference of a blonde and a ufo people have ufos

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Am i the only one here who doesnt know what a clarksonism is?

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Could you really get children to work in a factory? Becouse that would be brilliant!

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What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

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On The Stig: Some say that he was a science experiment gone wrong and that he only eats cheese. All we know is, he's called the stig!

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It's really sad that you can now buy Hummer aftershave. It comes in a jerry can of repressed homosexuality; you slosh it over your face yelling "I'M NOT GAY!"

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Driving a 1M As if somebody suddenly gave you the permission to set fire to Piers Morgan.

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It sounds like a bear. A burning bear!

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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