- Clarksonisms

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There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

"And even supposing British cars were terrible, we wouldn't go about saying so. You don't see Jack Bauer saying 'Don't come to America, it's filled with terrorists'!"

This [Ferrari F60 Enzo] isn't just uncool, it's seriously uncool. Think of it this way, if you walk into the bathroom and see a man standing suspiciously close to the urinal, he probably owns one of them.

On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

It's like sitting on Dawn French!

[Alfa Romeo Brera] I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather, and I'm nursing a semi.

Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

Clarkson watching someone drive a lada and being offered to ride one. "Its are raping him! And then its going to rape me!... OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

This is what scares me. It's called the Trojan and because it's part tank, part bulldozer, it's the king of...wherever it damn well wants to go.

On the Crysler PT Cruiser: "The front looks like a face. A friendly face from the land that gave us friendly fire."

The Amphibian Car Challenge "Which would come first, summer or James May?"

On Gallardo Spyder "I am in love!"

On the Lotus Exige “To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bacofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.”

[On Hammond's Dolomite Sprint] My washing machine moves around the kitchen faster than that!

this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

On the BMW x5 h&m The result is like putting a furious weasel in your underpants

If you've got a better route map from the AA website, why don't you write to us at 'I asked the AA for a route to King's Lynn and now I'm on the International Space Station', Top Gear, London

on the corvette: So if you want a car with vietnamese suspension that is made out of plastic, this is the car for you!

Grips good, if you want to win a race, grip is brilliant. BUT for drifting.. for having FUN.. grip is BAD!

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

Converting a racing car into a street car is like watching porn with all the good bits cut out... all you end up watching is a close up of some sweaty bloke bobbing his head for half an hour.

Clarksonisms

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