It's really sad that you can now buy Hummer aftershave. It comes in a jerry can of repressed homosexuality; you slosh it over your face yelling "I'M NOT GAY!"

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A man walked into a bar May he rest in peace

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Pintos are like virgin girls. You hit one in the rear and BOOM!

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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Jeremy reading the safety labels on a Dodge Viper: This one is my favorite. "The top supports behind the seats are not a roll bar. This is an open vehicle--drive carefully..." No.

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The Stig: Some say he was born in space, and that he is illegal in 17 U.S. states.

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What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

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What did the black guy say to the brown guy we are both victims I racism

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This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

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I'm not Just the Iron In Yard, I'm a Member

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Doesn't matter if it's Hell in a Cell, Rage in a Cage or Painus in your anus!

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I don't always play guitar, but when I do, I'm awesome.

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Speed saves people!

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It stands out like

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And after a riged phone vote , The Stig has a new name. He called Cuddles

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I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

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On the BMW X5 M There's a gallon of fuel gone there, and another there...and yet another there. As a matter of fact, the only way this car could be less annoying to eco-mentalists is if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.

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[on his own driving test] - I didn't see it as a driving test so much as a confirmation of my excelence.

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I believe in speed - power... power and speed solve many things!

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I'll tell you what. We'll try it my way first... and then we'll finish.

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[In the Police Car Challenge] In jail, no one can here you scream

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this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

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Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of two pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!

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(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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