The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

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Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

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I don't always play guitar, but when I do, I'm awesome.

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See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

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Hammond: "The premiums for 17 year old girls are around half what they are for 17 year old boys" Clarkson: "Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there! If you're a 17 year old and you need car insurance, slice your penis off."

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On the Ferrari Enzo: MOMMY!!!

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Flying fish wasabi?

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How hard can it be?

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I believe in speed - power... power and speed solve many things!

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In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

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I'll tell you what, Richard. You go around our track on your Hayabusa at top speed and I'll chain smoke and we'll see who dies first.

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It has dials the size of a fat spaniels face.

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On the Porsche Cayenne “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”

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It's really sad that you can now buy Hummer aftershave. It comes in a jerry can of repressed homosexuality; you slosh it over your face yelling "I'M NOT GAY!"

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The only way to stop faster..is to hit a tree.

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It's like God having really unusual sex. (On the sound of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia)

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[FSO Polenez] It's less reliable than a pensioner's erection.

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Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.

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On the GT (Between Hammond and Clarkson) Hammond: So with that, the Ford GT gets 75 miles per tank. Jeremy, how far is it to work from your house?" Clarkson: "76 miles..."

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POOOOWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

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This is the same colour as a prosthetic limb!!

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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Driving a 1M As if somebody suddenly gave you the permission to set fire to Piers Morgan.

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(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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