- Clarksonisms

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When discussing the suspension adjustability on the Bentley Continental GT. "It really is about as useful as having a snooze button on a smoke alarm".

The engine sounds like a Spitfire fighter plane

On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

On the Alfa Romeo 8C "as Sir Francis Bacon once said, 'there is no beauty which hath not some strangeness about its proportions'. And he's right, who ever he is. I mean, look at keira Knightley. She's just an ironing board with a face. And she works."

It has dials the size of a fat spaniels face.

On the Corvette Z06 “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

M3 drivers have no friends.

Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

On the BMW X5 M There's a gallon of fuel gone there, and another there...and yet another there. As a matter of fact, the only way this car could be less annoying to eco-mentalists is if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.

I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

most of you will think that showing up in cars like these in romania is like going to somalia with a suit made out of food...

The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

What did the orphan kids get for Christmas? Cancer.

On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

It's perfect for short trips to the golf club. As a matter of fact, the [Mercedes CLS's] Satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations, and golf courses: everything the modern Mercedes driver needs.

"And even supposing British cars were terrible, we wouldn't go about saying so. You don't see Jack Bauer saying 'Don't come to America, it's filled with terrorists'!"

Clarksonisms

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