Listen to this chap. He wants to "bitch slap his hoe" why not. Good luck to ya fella

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In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

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On the BMW X5 M There's a gallon of fuel gone there, and another there...and yet another there. As a matter of fact, the only way this car could be less annoying to eco-mentalists is if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.

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"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

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great news I got this Minecraft Upgrade Code absolutely free! Check this site out http://mc.cardcodes.net

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I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

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While driving through a rural part of India: "MONKEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!! MONKEY MONKEY.... with MASSIVE testicles!!!!"

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The engine sounds like a Spitfire fighter plane

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tonight, james wears jack sanders like a hat, richard wears jack sanders like a hat, and i wear jack sanders like a hat

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Peugeot 407 Coupé 2.7 V6 HDi SE "It has the zip of a chairlift. With plodding performance and steady-as-she-goes handling the only thing this car will make you feel like is a cup of Horlicks with a splash of hemlock. Empty-nesters should buy a PlayStation instead, and spend the afternoon shooting crack whores."

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As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

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On a Chevrolet Corvette "The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

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On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

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The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

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What's worse than the holocaust? 6 million Jews.

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It has dials the size of a fat spaniels face.

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This is the new Maserati 4x4. It's called the Kubang, which being a Maserati, probably also the sound it'll make when the warranty expires.

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That Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.

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Where do I like to watch my car videos? You guessed it. CarVideos site

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Shut up with all your terrible banter!!!

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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M3 drivers have no friends.

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I don't always play guitar, but when I do, I'm awesome.

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On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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