This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

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And again, I'm the voice of reason and commen sence

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I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

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You know what's funny? The Joke below this one.

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The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

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Okay, engines for the Alfa Romeo Brera: 2.2 liters, 3.2 v6, and you can have a diesel if you're the type of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

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On the McLaren P1: "And as you hurdle around in a puddle of your own feces, grinning like an infant, the car is working on ways to go even faster."

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most of you will think that showing up in cars like these in romania is like going to somalia with a suit made out of food...

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What's significant about San Francisco? Nothing really, just gay people.

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I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

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We'll try it my way first, and then we'll finish it.

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"Now, Rich, would you like some pussy? (...) PUSSY, energy drink"

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Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano "There, right in the middle of everything, is a quartic steering wheel. Yup, quartic, as in square, as in Austin Allegro. And worse still, it’s half carbon fibre and half leather, and it’s got all sorts of Formula One-style buttons on the bottom and then, along the top, a series of red lights that come on to tell you when to change gear. Unfortunately they are so bright you think you’ve been caught in the fearsome glare from a Martian spaceship. "So you don’t change gear. You crash."

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Das Stig is a manaic!

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On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

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Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

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What did the black guy say to the brown guy we are both victims I racism

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On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

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I'll tell you what. We'll try it my way first... and then we'll finish.

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I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i.

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[On the Clio V6]: It had the worst turning circle in the world - you had to actually go round the world to actually turn it round.

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Man interviewing clarkson and hammond: What's your carbon footprint like? Clarkson: We dont have a carbon footprint we drive everywhere.

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this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

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On the Kia Rio, "You may have seen The Fly II, in which a scientist attempts to teleport a dog. In one of the most gruesome scenes I’ve seen in a film it arrives at its destination completely inside out. Well the Rio is uglier than that. Inside, things get worse. "Small wonder Kia’s importer in Britain is sponsoring the Pedestrian Association’s Walking Bus scheme. The idea is that parents take it in turns to walk a group, or "bus", of children to their school in a morning. After three days of being transported in the Rio, my kids thought it was a brilliant idea to walk instead. Even though their school is 18 miles away and it was blowing a gale directly from the Canadian tundra."

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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