- Clarksonisms

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[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

On the Enzo Ferrari “Ferrari is so pleased with it they’ve named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That’d be the same as Lotus calling their next car... ‘The Colin.’”

On the Brabus SL: "A 1000 torques is what you'd use for... restarting a dead planet."

Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

On the BMW x5 h&m The result is like putting a furious weasel in your underpants

I'm in the seat of a Ford Sierra Cosworth, holding a flamethrower. Can't get much happier than that.

Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

This is what scares me. It's called the Trojan and because it's part tank, part bulldozer, it's the king of...wherever it damn well wants to go.

I'm not Just the Iron In Yard, I'm a Member

I'd have [striking workers] shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

Clarkson on saving money How's this for an idea?...never brake

Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

3 nominations on that award and David Coulthard finished 4th.

In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

Hammond: "The premiums for 17 year old girls are around half what they are for 17 year old boys" Clarkson: "Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there! If you're a 17 year old and you need car insurance, slice your penis off."

[On Hammond's Dolomite Sprint] My washing machine moves around the kitchen faster than that!

Clarksonisms

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