- Clarksonisms

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There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

On the BMW X5 M There's a gallon of fuel gone there, and another there...and yet another there. As a matter of fact, the only way this car could be less annoying to eco-mentalists is if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.

The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

In the WOOORLD...

What's worse than the holocaust? 6 million Jews.

What's the difference beetween a washing machine and a dead body. I dont have a washing machine in my basement...

Shut up with all your terrible banter!!!

Richard, you're the type of person I could show a picture of Paris Hilton, and you would say "But what if she turned out to be intelligent?"

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

While driving through a rural part of India: "MONKEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!! MONKEY MONKEY.... with MASSIVE testicles!!!!"

On the Mercedes SL Black: "there's no point even trying to turn. The steering wheel is useless, this thing has the turning circle of a full moon!"

Regarding driving a Reliant Robin: "What we're about to do is about as dangerous as...inviting your mum over for an evening on ChatRoulette."

How hard can it be?

On the Corvette Z06 “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

'In Africa' Jeremy: And the Elephants use their noses to shovel water into their mouths. Richard: Thats a rubbish commentary.

You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

On the Vauxhall vectra: it's a cure for ADD, any child with would fall asleep in 3 minutes flat

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

Claire chris paul steve & dave

on the porsche 911 this is ridiculous , me liking this is like gordon brown going to the polling booth and saying " do you know what i think im going to vote tory "..... maybe he did

Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.

When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

Clarksonisms

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