- Clarksonisms

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

Nope, Moral Man the people`s champion does not know either... Moral: Now and forever, I am Moral Man.

On the BMW X5 M There's a gallon of fuel gone there, and another there...and yet another there. As a matter of fact, the only way this car could be less annoying to eco-mentalists is if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.

If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.

You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

On the Vauxhall vectra: it's a cure for ADD, any child with would fall asleep in 3 minutes flat

Could you really get children to work in a factory? Becouse that would be brilliant!

This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

Scientists are trying 2… . figure out how long… . a person can live … . without brain… . . . Please tell them ur age!!! Hindi TV Shows

Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of two pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!

In Bolivia when a bridge had to be built Clarkson (firing up a chainsaw): I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE Hammond: He's got a chainsaw, hasn't he? Clarkson: OH YES! Hammond: Oh God.

Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

Don't do that, tortoise!

There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

Clarkson watching someone drive a lada and being offered to ride one. "Its are raping him! And then its going to rape me!... OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

If you have any thoughts or opinions on what you’ve seen in the last ten weeks, do please keep them to yourselves.

Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.

The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

Clarksonisms

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