I'm not Just the Iron In Yard, I'm a Member

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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On British Leyland: "Never in the field of human endeavour has so much been done, so badly, by so many."

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On the mclaren MP4-12C The first thing I would like to know is why they've named it after a fax machine.

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On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

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On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

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And, it's made in Britain! Which is another way of saying the door is going to fall off.

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"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

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Best to you with our ice cream van with a gun on top of it.

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Bentley, Feawr Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, In Bentley No One Can Hear You Scream (In American Movie Trailer Voice)

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BMW 645Ci "If you were to buy a 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside."

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This is the thing you have to remember, Alfa build a car to be as good as a car can be... briefly.

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That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

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This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

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"So having a twin turbo V12 diesel is like, turning your central heating off at home, and then keeping warm ... by burning Rembrandts." Audi Q7 V12 TDI

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What's worse than the holocaust? 6 million Jews.

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The only way to stop faster..is to hit a tree.

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"Lancia did have some issues; for example, the Gamma exploded every time you turned the steering wheel"

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On Detroit “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place."

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Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano "There, right in the middle of everything, is a quartic steering wheel. Yup, quartic, as in square, as in Austin Allegro. And worse still, it’s half carbon fibre and half leather, and it’s got all sorts of Formula One-style buttons on the bottom and then, along the top, a series of red lights that come on to tell you when to change gear. Unfortunately they are so bright you think you’ve been caught in the fearsome glare from a Martian spaceship. "So you don’t change gear. You crash."

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"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" *Audience laughs* "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" *audience gasps then applauds*

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Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

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The Amphibian Car Challenge "Which would come first, summer or James May?"

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Kia Rio "You may have seen The Fly II, in which a scientist attempts to teleport a dog. In one of the most gruesome scenes I’ve seen in a film it arrives at its destination completely inside out. Well the Rio is uglier than that. Inside, things get worse. "Small wonder Kia’s importer in Britain is sponsoring the Pedestrian Association’s Walking Bus scheme. The idea is that parents take it in turns to walk a group, or "bus", of children to their school in a morning. After three days of being transported in the Rio, my kids thought it was a brilliant idea to walk instead. Even though their school is 18 miles away and it was blowing a gale directly from the Canadian tundra."

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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