During the color-mixing for the elderly-friendly Fiat (Multipla) Rover James: "So you can make any color we want? Can you do my left nipple?"

thumb_up thumb_down -137

herro am spoderman

thumb_up thumb_down -120

Q:what's the difference between a blonde and a u.f.o A:people seen u.f.o s

thumb_up thumb_down -48

If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.

thumb_up thumb_down +28

[On the Jaguar S-Type Concept Car]: If that car comes out like that then I will cut my left leg off and beat myself to death with it

thumb_up thumb_down +19

The old Aston Martin DB7 was just a Jag in drag. It was an XJ-S in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different.

thumb_up thumb_down +14

On the Lotus Exige “To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bacofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.”

thumb_up thumb_down +137

On Detroit “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place."

thumb_up thumb_down +226

on Ferrari F430: "the basic price is about 118,000 pound, which is not really bad. I mean, sell the house, sell the children for medical experiment, rob a bank, and you will soon get that money"

thumb_up thumb_down +102

It costs Volkswagen £200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could probably make a couple of cars for that.

thumb_up thumb_down +87

People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

thumb_up thumb_down +30

Clarkson in a magazine, Take the Koala for instance, It spends half its life off its face on dope and the moment it gets scared it catches chlamydia

thumb_up thumb_down +15

When discussing the suspension adjustability on the Bentley Continental GT. "It really is about as useful as having a snooze button on a smoke alarm".

thumb_up thumb_down +335

You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

thumb_up thumb_down +135

You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

thumb_up thumb_down +282

Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

thumb_up thumb_down +173

Converting a racing car into a street car is like watching porn with all the good bits cut out... all you end up watching is a close up of some sweaty bloke bobbing his head for half an hour.

thumb_up thumb_down +95

While discussing The Stig's tube leg of the race, on foot through london, "....or stig could be mistaken for a Brazillian plumber". Not very PC but very apt - and you are left in no doubt on his thoughts on the subject.

thumb_up thumb_down -100

-On the Morgan Aero 8 Clarkson: You spent money on that? Hammond: Yeah. why not? Clarkson: Thats like saying 'Well, I've had marriage proposals from Angelina Jolie, Penelope Cruz, Natalie Portman, but no, I'm going to marry John McCrirrick'

thumb_up thumb_down -15

Assessing Hammond's crash: Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!" Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph." Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

thumb_up thumb_down +335

Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

thumb_up thumb_down -624

Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

thumb_up thumb_down -781

I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

thumb_up thumb_down +218

It's like being tangled in a douvet on a hot night, I hate it!" Describibg one of the awful American pieces of tat on the good bad and the ugly dvd. Brilliant

thumb_up thumb_down +92

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

When you're done here, check out our car fail site!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.