I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

thumb_up thumb_down +309

Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?

thumb_up thumb_down +218

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

thumb_up thumb_down +42

I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

thumb_up thumb_down -118

A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

thumb_up thumb_down +525

Speed never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.

thumb_up thumb_down -1,161

'In Africa' Jeremy: And the Elephants use their noses to shovel water into their mouths. Richard: Thats a rubbish commentary.

thumb_up thumb_down +100

On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

thumb_up thumb_down +53

Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks

thumb_up thumb_down -65

On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

thumb_up thumb_down +116

This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

thumb_up thumb_down +241

Motorized pepper grinder?

thumb_up thumb_down +93

As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

thumb_up thumb_down +69

On the Renault Clio V6 “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

thumb_up thumb_down +151

Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

thumb_up thumb_down -292

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

thumb_up thumb_down +116

Volkswagen Jetta "I’d love to meet the man who styled the exterior, to find out if he’d done it as some sort of a joke. But mostly I’d like to meet the man who simply didn’t bother at all with the interior. Because looking at that dashboard gives you some idea of what it might be like to be dead."

thumb_up thumb_down +116

On paddle shift automatic gearboxes “The thing is, it’s a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever… ‘Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power station – I’m a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I’m gonna swap some cogs around!’”

thumb_up thumb_down +145

On the TVR Tuscan 2 “You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon’s backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says it’s too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone’s tried to mend their own shoes.

thumb_up thumb_down +87

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.

thumb_up thumb_down +207

On the Vauxhall Astra VXR No, listen, listen, listen, you won't be at the party if you drive one of these because you'll have torque-steered into a tree on the way. And you'd be killed, and that's important to die in an anecdote...your children will say "daddy died in a fireball in a Vauxhall and a tree!"

thumb_up thumb_down -26

Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

thumb_up thumb_down -777

I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

thumb_up thumb_down +172

You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

thumb_up thumb_down +141

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

When you're done here, check out our car fail site!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.