(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

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That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

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When discussing the suspension adjustability on the Bentley Continental GT. "It really is about as useful as having a snooze button on a smoke alarm".

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I don't always play guitar, but when I do, I'm awesome.

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On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

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Just because something is unreliable doesn't mean it isn't great. Take, for example, Stephen Hawking. Great man, but most of him doesn't work.

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On the Crysler PT Cruiser: "The front looks like a face. A friendly face from the land that gave us friendly fire."

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-On the Morgan Aero 8 Clarkson: You spent money on that? Hammond: Yeah. why not? Clarkson: Thats like saying 'Well, I've had marriage proposals from Angelina Jolie, Penelope Cruz, Natalie Portman, but no, I'm going to marry John McCrirrick'

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What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

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Old jags are like living inside James May but this one is like living inside James Kirk

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I AM CLARK! WELCOME TO DIE X-CHICKEN! MORAL: WHEN IT SAYS MORAL, THAT MEANS THAT YOU MUST NOT GIVE ME THUMBS UPS! I WONT LET YOU BREAK MY UBER MORAL SHIELD!

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Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

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On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

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On oliver top gear car of the year 2007 - "I would rather eat my gentleman vegetables"

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Flying fish wasabi?

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'Tinkering' with it, when you have a Lancia, is just another way of saying 'trying to make it start'. You go to a Lancia, turn the key and think, "Right, I better just 'tinker' with it and see if we can coax some life into the thing".

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On the Ferrari Enzo: MOMMY!!!

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This is the same colour as a prosthetic limb!!

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Driving a 1M As if somebody suddenly gave you the permission to set fire to Piers Morgan.

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Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

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Claire chris paul steve & dave

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I believe in speed - power... power and speed solve many things!

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Today, Porsche brings ANOTHER 911 to an already confused world...

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The M3 CSL is going to be bought by the type of person who lies in bed at night thinking of his gearshift aggression strategy for his drive to work the next morning.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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