- Clarksonisms

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On British Leyland: "Never in the field of human endeavour has so much been done, so badly, by so many."

"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

It stands out like

Speed has never killed anyone - suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you. - SMC Digital

[on his own driving test] - I didn't see it as a driving test so much as a confirmation of my excelence.

Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

On the Koenigsegg CCX “I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!”

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

(Referring to the Morris Marina) "The unpleasant log laid by British Leyland after communism crept like an itchy red blanket over the shop floor."

That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

On the Chrysler Crossfire: "This is the worst thing that's come out of Germans and Americans working together since a fellow named Adolphus Busch arrived in America, tasted the water, and said "yeah, I could make beer out of this." And we were given that headache in a can - Budweiser."

[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

On the TVR Tuscan 2 “It’s supposed to be easier to live with, and easier to drive... so has it worked? Ohh... Oh, my God. No... no... no, no, no. No. No. No, it hasn’t.”

On the Alfa Romeo Brera “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

Motorized pepper grinder?

Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.

It's really sad that you can now buy Hummer aftershave. It comes in a jerry can of repressed homosexuality; you slosh it over your face yelling "I'M NOT GAY!"

Now that we have power steering, all you have to do [to race] is lie down, turn the wheel, and if you want to win all you have to do is go a little bit faster than all the others.

You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

Clarksonisms

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