People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

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(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

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It's perfect for short trips to the golf club. As a matter of fact, the [Mercedes CLS's] Satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations, and golf courses: everything the modern Mercedes driver needs.

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The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

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Grips good, if you want to win a race, grip is brilliant. BUT for drifting.. for having FUN.. grip is BAD!

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...In the world.

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[On the Citroen Berlingo]: "It's a very good car, so long as you want something that's equipped like a Romanian jail'

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There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

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Peugeot 407 Coupé 2.7 V6 HDi SE "It has the zip of a chairlift. With plodding performance and steady-as-she-goes handling the only thing this car will make you feel like is a cup of Horlicks with a splash of hemlock. Empty-nesters should buy a PlayStation instead, and spend the afternoon shooting crack whores."

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In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

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On the McLaren P1: "And as you hurdle around in a puddle of your own feces, grinning like an infant, the car is working on ways to go even faster."

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tonight... we test drive... a fiat punto. a VW golf and adam burdass

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LOTUS - Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious.

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You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

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WHAT A MACHINE!!!!

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Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

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On the mclaren MP4-12C The first thing I would like to know is why they've named it after a fax machine.

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See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

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The Ford Focus "It's like an Air Hostess wearing orange"

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On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

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Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

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Speed has never killed anyone - suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you. - SMC Digital

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On the GT (Between Hammond and Clarkson) Hammond: So with that, the Ford GT gets 75 miles per tank. Jeremy, how far is it to work from your house?" Clarkson: "76 miles..."

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"I mean let's be honest about the Bently, it's simply a Volkswagen with some wood grain."

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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