In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

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While playing the video game Gran Turismo "Aston Martin DB9 – that’s not a racecar, that’s pornography."

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This is the thing you have to remember, Alfa build a car to be as good as a car can be... briefly.

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It's like putting a furious weasel in your underpants!

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On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

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Listen to this chap. He wants to "bitch slap his hoe" why not. Good luck to ya fella

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Scientists are trying 2… . figure out how long… . a person can live … . without brain… . . . Please tell them ur age!!! Hindi TV Shows

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I WONDER WHAT HAPPEN’S WHEN DOCTOR’S WIFE EATS AN APPLE A DAY. Source: Pingzic collection of WhatsApp Status

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I don't always play guitar, but when I do, I'm awesome.

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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You know what's funny? The Joke below this one.

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Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

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On paddle shift automatic gearboxes “The thing is, it’s a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever… ‘Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power station – I’m a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I’m gonna swap some cogs around!’”

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It costs Volkswagen £200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could probably make a couple of cars for that.

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Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

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What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

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On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

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Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

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[on his own driving test] - I didn't see it as a driving test so much as a confirmation of my excelence.

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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On the Porsche Cayman S “There are many things I’d rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.”

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I don't know why we became clarksonisms, Think your fancy HUH.

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"... And his miserable flat 6 is no match for this V8 tower of power!" Jeremy Clarkson on Audi R8 & Porsche Carrera 2

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3 nominations on that award and David Coulthard finished 4th.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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