It's not a torch! It's a RAMPANT RABBIT!!

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On the Vauxhall Astra VXR No, listen, listen, listen, you won't be at the party if you drive one of these because you'll have torque-steered into a tree on the way. And you'd be killed, and that's important to die in an anecdote...your children will say "daddy died in a fireball in a Vauxhall and a tree!"

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When you reach he limits of grip, the Jaguar XJ220 demands a special technique. You put your foot on the clutch, and repeat after me: Our Father, who art in heaven, I'll be there in a minute.

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I'd have [striking workers] shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

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There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

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In German accent about Mercedes SATNAV "You must turn around und do it again, make und U-Turn!!!"

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On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

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It's like putting a furious weasel in your underpants!

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this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

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In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

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The Ford Focus "It's like an Air Hostess wearing orange"

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Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano "There, right in the middle of everything, is a quartic steering wheel. Yup, quartic, as in square, as in Austin Allegro. And worse still, it’s half carbon fibre and half leather, and it’s got all sorts of Formula One-style buttons on the bottom and then, along the top, a series of red lights that come on to tell you when to change gear. Unfortunately they are so bright you think you’ve been caught in the fearsome glare from a Martian spaceship. "So you don’t change gear. You crash."

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Clarkson on Chrysler Crossfire- I have been trying to think -what it is that this shape reminds me of and last night it came to me- you know when a dog....doing its....aahh...number II, that kind of arched back thing .....thats what it is(with hand gestures and disgusted expression).....HIDEOUS!.....EWWWW!!

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[On the Clio V6]: It had the worst turning circle in the world - you had to actually go round the world to actually turn it round.

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I AM CLARK! WELCOME TO DIE X-CHICKEN! MORAL: WHEN IT SAYS MORAL, THAT MEANS THAT YOU MUST NOT GIVE ME THUMBS UPS! I WONT LET YOU BREAK MY UBER MORAL SHIELD!

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So the Porsche Cayman is a Boxster with a roof. They should have called it the Cockster.

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On the Corvette Z06 “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

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The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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Peugeot 407 Coupé 2.7 V6 HDi SE "It has the zip of a chairlift. With plodding performance and steady-as-she-goes handling the only thing this car will make you feel like is a cup of Horlicks with a splash of hemlock. Empty-nesters should buy a PlayStation instead, and spend the afternoon shooting crack whores."

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On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

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It's as reliable and long lasting as a pensioners erection.

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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On the mclaren MP4-12C The first thing I would like to know is why they've named it after a fax machine.

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[On the Aston Martin DBS]: "I especially like the gear lever, which is like a Power Ranger's leg"

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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