- Clarksonisms

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

Old jags are like living inside James May but this one is like living inside James Kirk

Am i the only one here who doesnt know what a clarksonism is?

James: I'm curious, Jeremy, what is it that you don't get about bikes? Jeremy: I just don't want to have to dress up like a Power Ranger to go down to the pub and drink orange juice all afternoon.

On the Corvette Z06 “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

What did the black guy say to the brown guy we are both victims I racism

When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

Pintos are like virgin girls. You hit one in the rear and BOOM!

(On the TukTuk) I think I have cancer now.

Motor from a food blender?

[On the Aston Martin DBS]: "I especially like the gear lever, which is like a Power Ranger's leg"

On paddle shift automatic gearboxes “The thing is, it’s a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever… ‘Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power station – I’m a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I’m gonna swap some cogs around!’”

"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

On a Chevrolet Corvette "The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

So the Porsche Cayman is a Boxster with a roof. They should have called it the Cockster.

Hating jewd isn't rascist, it's actually called being anti-semetist

"Still, if you want one [X5 M], get your nurse to find you a crayon and write out a check for seventy six thousand pounds...or if you don't understand how crayons work, you could spend even more on this rather ugly Audi."

"How do I tell James to slow down?"

-On the Morgan Aero 8 Clarkson: You spent money on that? Hammond: Yeah. why not? Clarkson: Thats like saying 'Well, I've had marriage proposals from Angelina Jolie, Penelope Cruz, Natalie Portman, but no, I'm going to marry John McCrirrick'

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

Clarksonisms

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