You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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I'm not Just the Iron In Yard, I'm a Member

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Buying this car for its dynamic abilities, is like buying a porn film for its plot.

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When you reach he limits of grip, the Jaguar XJ220 demands a special technique. You put your foot on the clutch, and repeat after me: Our Father, who art in heaven, I'll be there in a minute.

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The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

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Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

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In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

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[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

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During the Bugatti vs airplane trip "I will not be beaten by Captain Slow's flying washing machine!"

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What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

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On a Chevrolet Corvette "The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

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It costs Volkswagen £200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could probably make a couple of cars for that.

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Don't do that, tortoise!

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...The wheel arches are flared, the car is slightly lowered, and at the back there are extra poo shoots

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I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

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Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

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What's worse than the holocaust? 6 million Jews.

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Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks

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Today, Porsche brings ANOTHER 911 to an already confused world...

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on the corvette: So if you want a car with vietnamese suspension that is made out of plastic, this is the car for you!

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[FSO Polenez] It's less reliable than a pensioner's erection.

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On the Ferrari Enzo: MOMMY!!!

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There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

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Cadillac SRX4 "This is a very ugly car. So ugly in fact that you’ll want to get inside it and shut the door as quickly as possible. But sadly when you are inside it’s even worse. "If it were a creature, it wouldn’t be a lion or a praying mantis or even a chimp. No, I think it would be a wasp — useless and hateful in equal measure"

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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