- Clarksonisms

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In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

If you've got a better route map from the AA website, why don't you write to us at 'I asked the AA for a route to King's Lynn and now I'm on the International Space Station', Top Gear, London

In Bolivia when a bridge had to be built Clarkson (firing up a chainsaw): I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE Hammond: He's got a chainsaw, hasn't he? Clarkson: OH YES! Hammond: Oh God.

That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

On the Chrysler Crossfire: "This is the worst thing that's come out of Germans and Americans working together since a fellow named Adolphus Busch arrived in America, tasted the water, and said "yeah, I could make beer out of this." And we were given that headache in a can - Budweiser."

the fastest car IN THE WORLD!!

Now that we have power steering, all you have to do [to race] is lie down, turn the wheel, and if you want to win all you have to do is go a little bit faster than all the others.

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

[On the Jaguar S-Type Concept Car]: If that car comes out like that then I will cut my left leg off and beat myself to death with it

Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

It's like God having really unusual sex. (On the sound of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia)

"How do I tell James to slow down?"

Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks

Yes, it's firm, but it's not uncomfortable. I mean compared to hanging from a bird's nest...by your fingernails...a million feet above some pointy boulders, for example.

I love the feel of some hairy, salty balls on my chin. Mmmmm!

...The wheel arches are flared, the car is slightly lowered, and at the back there are extra poo shoots

Describing the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder's sound: It's like listening to the Cirque Du Soleil being chopped up by their own chainsaws.

Okay, engines for the Alfa Romeo Brera: 2.2 liters, 3.2 v6, and you can have a diesel if you're the type of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

3 nominations on that award and David Coulthard finished 4th.

I don't like being overtaken. It's a sign of weakness.

What's the difference beetween a washing machine and a dead body. I dont have a washing machine in my basement...

On the Renault Clio V6 “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

Clarksonisms

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