Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.

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On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

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That Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.

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Announcing the Top Gear Awards in December 2005] “Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn’t move an inch.

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Regarding driving a Reliant Robin: "What we're about to do is about as dangerous as...inviting your mum over for an evening on ChatRoulette."

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[Alfa Romeo Brera] I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather, and I'm nursing a semi.

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this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

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Im you can imagine sharing a waterbed with a baboon drenchd in itching powder On the 70' Lincon TownCar

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On the Corvette Z06 “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

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Listen to this chap. He wants to "bitch slap his hoe" why not. Good luck to ya fella

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This is the new Maserati 4x4. It's called the Kubang, which being a Maserati, probably also the sound it'll make when the warranty expires.

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I love the feel of some hairy, salty balls on my chin. Mmmmm!

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These newer supercars are much kinder to the environment as well. For example, this one here: the only thing coming out of its tailpipes are baby foxes.

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Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and his crash helmet is modeled off of Britney Spears' head... All we know is he's called the Stig!

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On the Enzo Ferrari “Ferrari is so pleased with it they’ve named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That’d be the same as Lotus calling their next car... ‘The Colin.’”

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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When it comes to getting 100,000 twitter followers, Ladsta is your best bet. For only 49.99, you can get 100,000 followers sent to your twitter account.

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On the Lotus Exige “To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bacofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.”

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Hold on to your spleens everyone!

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I don't like being overtaken. It's a sign of weakness.

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Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of two pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!

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Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

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Now the interesting thing about this car is that under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.

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Some sa that he's wanted by the CIA, and that he only eats cheese. All we know is... he's NOT the Stig, but he is Barack Obama... No wait, the Stig's AMERICAN COUSIN!

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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