Peugeot 407 Coupé 2.7 V6 HDi SE "It has the zip of a chairlift. With plodding performance and steady-as-she-goes handling the only thing this car will make you feel like is a cup of Horlicks with a splash of hemlock. Empty-nesters should buy a PlayStation instead, and spend the afternoon shooting crack whores."

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So the Porsche Cayman is a Boxster with a roof. They should have called it the Cockster.

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Frederik Du lugter

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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... And across the line!

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A Hummer; You need 280574965897831756791492756237859087683472390645839057644382457684385739248759320842013878742178347658375843921764 gallons of gas to get out of the garage.

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By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge, but there you go

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I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

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This is what scares me. It's called the Trojan and because it's part tank, part bulldozer, it's the king of...wherever it damn well wants to go.

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The Ford Focus "It's like an Air Hostess wearing orange"

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What did the black guy say to the brown guy we are both victims I racism

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Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of two pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!

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Das Stig is a manaic!

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On the Alfa Romeo 8C "as Sir Francis Bacon once said, 'there is no beauty which hath not some strangeness about its proportions'. And he's right, who ever he is. I mean, look at keira Knightley. She's just an ironing board with a face. And she works."

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Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.

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Hold on to your spleens everyone!

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Jeremy on their challenge when James was gonna be piloting a plane: "So it'll be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage!"

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When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

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On the Ferrari Enzo: MOMMY!!!

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I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

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On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

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this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

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There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

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You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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