Are there any Spanish people here today? Yes? GIVE ME MY FISH BACK!

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It's not a torch! It's a RAMPANT RABBIT!!

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The Stig: Some say he was born in space, and that he is illegal in 17 U.S. states.

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It has dials the size of a fat spaniels face.

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Kia Rio "You may have seen The Fly II, in which a scientist attempts to teleport a dog. In one of the most gruesome scenes I’ve seen in a film it arrives at its destination completely inside out. Well the Rio is uglier than that. Inside, things get worse. "Small wonder Kia’s importer in Britain is sponsoring the Pedestrian Association’s Walking Bus scheme. The idea is that parents take it in turns to walk a group, or "bus", of children to their school in a morning. After three days of being transported in the Rio, my kids thought it was a brilliant idea to walk instead. Even though their school is 18 miles away and it was blowing a gale directly from the Canadian tundra."

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Deal with it

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There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

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The back of the BMW 6 series... it looks like a tramp's hat!

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This is the greatest car ... In the world

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Jeremy on the Pagani Zonda F Roadster: "This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat."

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So the Porsche Cayman is a Boxster with a roof. They should have called it the Cockster.

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Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

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What did the orphan kids get for Christmas? Cancer.

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And, it's made in Britain! Which is another way of saying the door is going to fall off.

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[On Hammond's Dolomite Sprint] My washing machine moves around the kitchen faster than that!

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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Peugeot 407 Coupé 2.7 V6 HDi SE "It has the zip of a chairlift. With plodding performance and steady-as-she-goes handling the only thing this car will make you feel like is a cup of Horlicks with a splash of hemlock. Empty-nesters should buy a PlayStation instead, and spend the afternoon shooting crack whores."

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On the Ferrari Enzo: MOMMY!!!

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I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

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Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

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This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

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"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

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Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

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A man walked into a bar May he rest in peace

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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