During the Bugatti vs airplane trip "I will not be beaten by Captain Slow's flying washing machine!"

thumb_up thumb_down +14

"I mean let's be honest about the Bently, it's simply a Volkswagen with some wood grain."

thumb_up thumb_down -8

On the Enzo Ferrari "I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

thumb_up thumb_down -217

"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" *Audience laughs* "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" *audience gasps then applauds*

thumb_up thumb_down +31

'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

thumb_up thumb_down -23

Clarkson in a magazine, Take the Koala for instance, It spends half its life off its face on dope and the moment it gets scared it catches chlamydia

thumb_up thumb_down +5

On British Leyland: "Never in the field of human endeavour has so much been done, so badly, by so many."

thumb_up thumb_down +98

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

thumb_up thumb_down +120

The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

thumb_up thumb_down -65

Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

thumb_up thumb_down +134

And after a riged phone vote , The Stig has a new name. He called Cuddles

thumb_up thumb_down +74

So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

thumb_up thumb_down +23

So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

thumb_up thumb_down +119

On the Ferrari 599 GTO: SPEEEEED, SPEEEED, and the noise of the SPEED!!!

thumb_up thumb_down +4

Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?

thumb_up thumb_down +218

When it comes to getting 100,000 twitter followers, Ladsta is your best bet. For only 49.99, you can get 100,000 followers sent to your twitter account.

thumb_up thumb_down -65

Doesn't matter if it's Hell in a Cell, Rage in a Cage or Painus in your anus!

thumb_up thumb_down -11

... And across the line!

thumb_up thumb_down -28

Killing a mamooth

thumb_up thumb_down +29

[On the Clio V6]: It had the worst turning circle in the world - you had to actually go round the world to actually turn it round.

thumb_up thumb_down -30

Hammond: "The premiums for 17 year old girls are around half what they are for 17 year old boys" Clarkson: "Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there! If you're a 17 year old and you need car insurance, slice your penis off."

thumb_up thumb_down -113

(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

thumb_up thumb_down +99

this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

thumb_up thumb_down -107

I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

thumb_up thumb_down -47

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

When you're done here, check out our car fail site!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.