Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

Converting a racing car into a street car is like watching porn with all the good bits cut out... all you end up watching is a close up of some sweaty bloke bobbing his head for half an hour.

The Stig: Some say he was born in space, and that he is illegal in 17 U.S. states.

Best to you with our ice cream van with a gun on top of it.

I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

BMW 645Ci "If you were to buy a 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside."

On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

we wait with anticipation

On the Kia Rio, "You may have seen The Fly II, in which a scientist attempts to teleport a dog. In one of the most gruesome scenes I’ve seen in a film it arrives at its destination completely inside out. Well the Rio is uglier than that. Inside, things get worse. "Small wonder Kia’s importer in Britain is sponsoring the Pedestrian Association’s Walking Bus scheme. The idea is that parents take it in turns to walk a group, or "bus", of children to their school in a morning. After three days of being transported in the Rio, my kids thought it was a brilliant idea to walk instead. Even though their school is 18 miles away and it was blowing a gale directly from the Canadian tundra."

See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

Motorized pepper grinder?

The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

Man interviewing clarkson and hammond: What's your carbon footprint like? Clarkson: We dont have a carbon footprint we drive everywhere.

By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge, but there you go

The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

On the Porsche Cayenne “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”

what`s the difference of a blonde and a ufo people have ufos

You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

On the Vauxhall vectra: it's a cure for ADD, any child with would fall asleep in 3 minutes flat

I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

In Bolivia when a bridge had to be built Clarkson (firing up a chainsaw): I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE Hammond: He's got a chainsaw, hasn't he? Clarkson: OH YES! Hammond: Oh God.

Shut up with all your terrible banter!!!

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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