[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

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On the Chrysler Crossfire: "This is the worst thing that's come out of Germans and Americans working together since a fellow named Adolphus Busch arrived in America, tasted the water, and said "yeah, I could make beer out of this." And we were given that headache in a can - Budweiser."

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The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

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"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

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[In the Police Car Challenge] In jail, no one can here you scream

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On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

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[On the Jaguar S-Type Concept Car]: If that car comes out like that then I will cut my left leg off and beat myself to death with it

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On the Lotus Exige “To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bacofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.”

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On the Ferrari 599 GTO: SPEEEEED, SPEEEED, and the noise of the SPEED!!!

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How many years are there in donkey years?

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What's significant about San Francisco? Nothing really, just gay people.

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On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

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Today, Porsche brings ANOTHER 911 to an already confused world...

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Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

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I'm not Just the Iron In Yard, I'm a Member

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On the Ferrari Enzo: MOMMY!!!

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Some Poos Come Out

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In Bolivia when a bridge had to be built Clarkson (firing up a chainsaw): I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE Hammond: He's got a chainsaw, hasn't he? Clarkson: OH YES! Hammond: Oh God.

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I'll tell you what. We'll try it my way first... and then we'll finish.

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By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge, but there you go

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"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" *Audience laughs* "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" *audience gasps then applauds*

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We'll try it my way first, and then we'll finish it.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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