- Clarksonisms

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This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

M3 drivers have no friends.

It's like God having really unusual sex. (On the sound of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia)

As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

While playing the video game Gran Turismo "Aston Martin DB9 – that’s not a racecar, that’s pornography."

How hard can it be?

On A Lincoln Towncar. I can see him at home with his wife now. Dammit Myrdle! I can't figger out a way to make this wheel square! I got me square dials, I got me a square dash, I got me a square body. But the wheel! it's circular! Ruins the whole KAWR!

car goes fast

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

Pintos are like virgin girls. You hit one in the rear and BOOM!

The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

Q:what's the difference between a blonde and a u.f.o A:people seen u.f.o s

[In the Police Car Challenge] In jail, no one can here you scream

Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

(Referring to the Morris Marina) "The unpleasant log laid by British Leyland after communism crept like an itchy red blanket over the shop floor."

What did the black guy say to the brown guy we are both victims I racism

This is the new Maserati 4x4. It's called the Kubang, which being a Maserati, probably also the sound it'll make when the warranty expires.

Clarksonisms

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