- Clarksonisms

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Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

"And even supposing British cars were terrible, we wouldn't go about saying so. You don't see Jack Bauer saying 'Don't come to America, it's filled with terrorists'!"

Old jags are like living inside James May but this one is like living inside James Kirk

[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

On the Koenigsegg CCX “I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!”

On the Crysler PT Cruiser: "The front looks like a face. A friendly face from the land that gave us friendly fire."

On the Ferrari Enzo: MOMMY!!!

How hard can it be?

On the McLaren P1: "And as you hurdle around in a puddle of your own feces, grinning like an infant, the car is working on ways to go even faster."

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

[In the Police Car Challenge] In jail, no one can here you scream

On a Chevrolet Corvette "The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

On the Vauxhall vectra: it's a cure for ADD, any child with would fall asleep in 3 minutes flat

Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

Man interviewing clarkson and hammond: What's your carbon footprint like? Clarkson: We dont have a carbon footprint we drive everywhere.

On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

The engine sounds like a Spitfire fighter plane

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

While playing the video game Gran Turismo "Aston Martin DB9 – that’s not a racecar, that’s pornography."

Clarksonisms

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