[On Hammond's Dolomite Sprint] My washing machine moves around the kitchen faster than that!

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...In the world.

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By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge, but there you go

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Today Jeremy Clarkson Married a Lamborghini and move to Switz

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On the Corvette Z06 “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

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What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

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[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

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The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

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On the TVR Tuscan 2 “It’s supposed to be easier to live with, and easier to drive... so has it worked? Ohh... Oh, my God. No... no... no, no, no. No. No. No, it hasn’t.”

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It's like sitting on Dawn French!

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Jeremy on their challenge when James was gonna be piloting a plane: "So it'll be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage!"

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What did the orphan kids get for Christmas? Cancer.

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Best to you with our ice cream van with a gun on top of it.

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Q:what's the difference between a blonde and a u.f.o A:people seen u.f.o s

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What's significant about San Francisco? Nothing really, just gay people.

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"Aston Martin DB9. That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography."

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Clarkson in a magazine, Take the Koala for instance, It spends half its life off its face on dope and the moment it gets scared it catches chlamydia

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Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

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Aston Martin Vanquish S "This is the last of the old-school Astons. It was built in the Newport Pagnell factory by men with body odour and hammers, rather than on the computer- controlled production line of the new Gaydon plant. And it shows. The car costs more than any other Aston yet is no quicker; its paddle shift gearbox is hilariously bad and its interior looks glued together from the Ford parts bin. It is the equivalent of opting for a rusty saw and leeches in the age of laser-guided brain surgery. Who is Aston kidding?

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In the olden days, Ferrari used to build their racing cars with a lot of passion and enthusiasm. Then, on lap 3 as often as not, they would explode into a passionate and enthusiastic fireball. Since then, they've started building their racing cars with with science and math...

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On the BMW x5 h&m The result is like putting a furious weasel in your underpants

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"How do I tell James to slow down?"

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Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

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on Ferrari F430: "the basic price is about 118,000 pound, which is not really bad. I mean, sell the house, sell the children for medical experiment, rob a bank, and you will soon get that money"

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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