- Clarksonisms

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'Tinkering' with it, when you have a Lancia, is just another way of saying 'trying to make it start'. You go to a Lancia, turn the key and think, "Right, I better just 'tinker' with it and see if we can coax some life into the thing".

Motorized pepper grinder?

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

It's as reliable and long lasting as a pensioners erection.

Pintos are like virgin girls. You hit one in the rear and BOOM!

If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

Talking to Hammond along with James: Same Time: "YOUR AN AMERICAN HAMMOND, THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH."

Shut up with all your terrible banter!!!

It's not a torch! It's a RAMPANT RABBIT!!

3 nominations on that award and David Coulthard finished 4th.

On the BMW x5 h&m The result is like putting a furious weasel in your underpants

I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

Claire chris paul steve & dave

[Stretch Limos Challenge] - ... for some extraodinary reason the rules say you can't drive a 46-foot car on the public highway, so I had to do some surgery...

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

The Amphibian Car Challenge "Which would come first, summer or James May?"

Clarksonisms

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