On the Porsche Cayman S “There are many things I’d rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.”

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Buying this car for its dynamic abilities, is like buying a porn film for its plot.

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It's like God having really unusual sex. (On the sound of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia)

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It's perfect for short trips to the golf club. As a matter of fact, the [Mercedes CLS's] Satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations, and golf courses: everything the modern Mercedes driver needs.

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On the BMW x5 h&m The result is like putting a furious weasel in your underpants

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A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

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[Stretch Limos Challenge] - ... for some extraodinary reason the rules say you can't drive a 46-foot car on the public highway, so I had to do some surgery...

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the fastest car IN THE WORLD!!

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On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

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Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.

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On Gallardo Spyder "I am in love!"

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On the Kia Rio, "You may have seen The Fly II, in which a scientist attempts to teleport a dog. In one of the most gruesome scenes I’ve seen in a film it arrives at its destination completely inside out. Well the Rio is uglier than that. Inside, things get worse. "Small wonder Kia’s importer in Britain is sponsoring the Pedestrian Association’s Walking Bus scheme. The idea is that parents take it in turns to walk a group, or "bus", of children to their school in a morning. After three days of being transported in the Rio, my kids thought it was a brilliant idea to walk instead. Even though their school is 18 miles away and it was blowing a gale directly from the Canadian tundra."

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The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

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Just because something is unreliable doesn't mean it isn't great. Take, for example, Stephen Hawking. Great man, but most of him doesn't work.

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POWER!!!!!!!!!!

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What did the black guy say to the brown guy we are both victims I racism

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I'm not Just the Iron In Yard, I'm a Member

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M3 drivers have no friends.

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(Referring to the Morris Marina) "The unpleasant log laid by British Leyland after communism crept like an itchy red blanket over the shop floor."

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On oliver top gear car of the year 2007 - "I would rather eat my gentleman vegetables"

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Killing a mamooth

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I'm in the seat of a Ford Sierra Cosworth, holding a flamethrower. Can't get much happier than that.

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As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

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You know what's funny? The Joke below this one.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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