In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

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Das Stig is a manaic!

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This is the greatest car ... In the world

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(Upon seeing a gentleman with shoulder-length hair in the audience): "Jesus is here!"

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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"And even supposing British cars were terrible, we wouldn't go about saying so. You don't see Jack Bauer saying 'Don't come to America, it's filled with terrorists'!"

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What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

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this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

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Doesn't matter if it's Hell in a Cell, Rage in a Cage or Painus in your anus!

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What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

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Speed has never killed anyone - suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you. - SMC Digital

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There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

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If you've got a better route map from the AA website, why don't you write to us at 'I asked the AA for a route to King's Lynn and now I'm on the International Space Station', Top Gear, London

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Volkswagen Jetta "I’d love to meet the man who styled the exterior, to find out if he’d done it as some sort of a joke. But mostly I’d like to meet the man who simply didn’t bother at all with the interior. Because looking at that dashboard gives you some idea of what it might be like to be dead."

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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[In the P45]: "AH LORRY, LORRY, LORRY, LORRY! Oh a lot of poo SHOT out then!"

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On the Ford GT40 “Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that’s a question I’ve never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.”

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On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

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I'll tell you what, Richard. You go around our track on your Hayabusa at top speed and I'll chain smoke and we'll see who dies first.

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See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

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On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

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On the Vauxhall vectra: it's a cure for ADD, any child with would fall asleep in 3 minutes flat

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On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

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ze5zege ef ege gg

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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