The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany.

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The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

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Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

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I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

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I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

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On the Mercedes CLS55: Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

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On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

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On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

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Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

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Speed never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.

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I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i.

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On the Enzo Ferrari "I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

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Assessing Hammond's crash: Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!" Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph." Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

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M3 drivers have no friends.

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I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

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The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

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A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

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On the TVR Tuscan 2 “It’s supposed to be easier to live with, and easier to drive... so has it worked? Ohh... Oh, my God. No... no... no, no, no. No. No. No, it hasn’t.”

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How hard can it be?

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On the Porsche Cayenne “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”

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And after a riged phone vote , The Stig has a new name. He called Cuddles

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[In the P45]: "AH LORRY, LORRY, LORRY, LORRY! Oh a lot of poo SHOT out then!"

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I do not understand why some people refer to their cars as "She" , lovingly. You never screw your car.

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There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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