You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

thumb_up thumb_down +114

Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill, and then run over him again, for good measure. They're designed to melt ice-caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands, and turn the entire Third World into a huge uninhabitable desert... but only after they've nicked all the world's oil.

thumb_up thumb_down +97

Perodua Kelisa 1.0 GXi "This is without doubt the worst car, not just in its category but in the world. It has a top speed of 88mph but takes so long to reach it that no one has ever lived long enough to verify the claim, the inside is tackier than Anthea Turner’s wedding and you don’t want to think what would happen if it bumped into a lamppost. "Also its name sounds like a disease."

thumb_up thumb_down +228

I'm in the seat of a Ford Sierra Cosworth, holding a flamethrower. Can't get much happier than that.

thumb_up thumb_down +138

Hammond: "The premiums for 17 year old girls are around half what they are for 17 year old boys" Clarkson: "Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there! If you're a 17 year old and you need car insurance, slice your penis off."

thumb_up thumb_down -96

I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

thumb_up thumb_down +327

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

thumb_up thumb_down +327

On the Vauxhall Astra VXR No, listen, listen, listen, you won't be at the party if you drive one of these because you'll have torque-steered into a tree on the way. And you'd be killed, and that's important to die in an anecdote...your children will say "daddy died in a fireball in a Vauxhall and a tree!"

thumb_up thumb_down -6

The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

thumb_up thumb_down +44

(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

thumb_up thumb_down +117

On the GT (Between Hammond and Clarkson) Hammond: So with that, the Ford GT gets 75 miles per tank. Jeremy, how far is it to work from your house?" Clarkson: "76 miles..."

thumb_up thumb_down +38

...In the world.

thumb_up thumb_down +60

On the Alfa Romeo Brera “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

thumb_up thumb_down +103

On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

thumb_up thumb_down -89

The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany.

thumb_up thumb_down -756

Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

thumb_up thumb_down -654

I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

thumb_up thumb_down -44

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

thumb_up thumb_down +85

M3 drivers have no friends.

thumb_up thumb_down -809

When you buy a Honda, well, your stuck with a Honda.

thumb_up thumb_down -8

what`s the difference of a blonde and a ufo people have ufos

thumb_up thumb_down -49

Best to you with our ice cream van with a gun on top of it.

thumb_up thumb_down +109

Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase. . .this is like smearing honey into Keira Knightly. -driving the Audi R8

thumb_up thumb_down +50

While playing the video game Gran Turismo "Aston Martin DB9 – that’s not a racecar, that’s pornography."

thumb_up thumb_down +82

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

When you're done here, check out our car fail site!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.