- Clarksonisms

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[FSO Polenez] It's less reliable than a pensioner's erection.

Hating jewd isn't rascist, it's actually called being anti-semetist

During the Bugatti vs airplane trip "I will not be beaten by Captain Slow's flying washing machine!"

It sounds like a bear. A burning bear!

There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

The engine sounds like a Spitfire fighter plane

I'll tell you what, Richard. You go around our track on your Hayabusa at top speed and I'll chain smoke and we'll see who dies first.

Yes, it's firm, but it's not uncomfortable. I mean compared to hanging from a bird's nest...by your fingernails...a million feet above some pointy boulders, for example.

Today Jeremy Clarkson Married a Lamborghini and move to Switz

Old jags are like living inside James May but this one is like living inside James Kirk

'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge, but there you go

This [Ferrari F60 Enzo] isn't just uncool, it's seriously uncool. Think of it this way, if you walk into the bathroom and see a man standing suspiciously close to the urinal, he probably owns one of them.

Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

Now the interesting thing about this car is that under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.

While driving through a rural part of India: "MONKEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!! MONKEY MONKEY.... with MASSIVE testicles!!!!"

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

Flying fish wasabi?

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

BMW 645Ci "If you were to buy a 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside."

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

Clarksonisms

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