- Clarksonisms

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I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

What did the orphan kids get for Christmas? Cancer.

On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany.

[On the Aston Martin DBS]: "I especially like the gear lever, which is like a Power Ranger's leg"

Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

'Tinkering' with it, when you have a Lancia, is just another way of saying 'trying to make it start'. You go to a Lancia, turn the key and think, "Right, I better just 'tinker' with it and see if we can coax some life into the thing".

M3 drivers have no friends.

[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

BMW 645Ci "If you were to buy a 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside."

"Still, if you want one [X5 M], get your nurse to find you a crayon and write out a check for seventy six thousand pounds...or if you don't understand how crayons work, you could spend even more on this rather ugly Audi."

Richard, you're the type of person I could show a picture of Paris Hilton, and you would say "But what if she turned out to be intelligent?"

On the BMW x5 h&m The result is like putting a furious weasel in your underpants

A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

What's worse then stubbing your toe? Finding out one of your loved ones died.

Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

A man walked into a bar May he rest in peace

Now that we have power steering, all you have to do [to race] is lie down, turn the wheel, and if you want to win all you have to do is go a little bit faster than all the others.

On the Ford GT40 “Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that’s a question I’ve never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.”

Clarksonisms

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