So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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On the Enzo Ferrari "I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

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Jeremy reading the safety labels on a Dodge Viper: This one is my favorite. "The top supports behind the seats are not a roll bar. This is an open vehicle--drive carefully..." No.

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Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

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When discussing the suspension adjustability on the Bentley Continental GT. "It really is about as useful as having a snooze button on a smoke alarm".

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During the Bugatti vs airplane trip "I will not be beaten by Captain Slow's flying washing machine!"

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On the Koenigsegg CCX “I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!”

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"So having a twin turbo V12 diesel is like, turning your central heating off at home, and then keeping warm ... by burning Rembrandts." Audi Q7 V12 TDI

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herro am spoderman

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On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

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It's as reliable and long lasting as a pensioners erection.

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Because of the French the concept if a car doesn't exist anymore

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Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano "There, right in the middle of everything, is a quartic steering wheel. Yup, quartic, as in square, as in Austin Allegro. And worse still, it’s half carbon fibre and half leather, and it’s got all sorts of Formula One-style buttons on the bottom and then, along the top, a series of red lights that come on to tell you when to change gear. Unfortunately they are so bright you think you’ve been caught in the fearsome glare from a Martian spaceship. "So you don’t change gear. You crash."

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I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

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On the Mercedes SL Black: "there's no point even trying to turn. The steering wheel is useless, this thing has the turning circle of a full moon!"

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[FSO Polenez] It's less reliable than a pensioner's erection.

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(On the TukTuk) I think I have cancer now.

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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What's significant about San Francisco? Nothing really, just gay people.

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...The wheel arches are flared, the car is slightly lowered, and at the back there are extra poo shoots

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What's the difference beetween a washing machine and a dead body. I dont have a washing machine in my basement...

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On the Porsche Cayenne “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”

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And after a riged phone vote , The Stig has a new name. He called Cuddles

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Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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