'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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M3 drivers have no friends.

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In the olden days, Ferrari used to build their racing cars with a lot of passion and enthusiasm. Then, on lap 3 as often as not, they would explode into a passionate and enthusiastic fireball. Since then, they've started building their racing cars with with science and math...

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Hammond: "The premiums for 17 year old girls are around half what they are for 17 year old boys" Clarkson: "Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there! If you're a 17 year old and you need car insurance, slice your penis off."

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we wait with anticipation

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On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

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In German accent about Mercedes SATNAV "You must turn around und do it again, make und U-Turn!!!"

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"Lancia did have some issues; for example, the Gamma exploded every time you turned the steering wheel"

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On the Enzo Ferrari “Ferrari is so pleased with it they’ve named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That’d be the same as Lotus calling their next car... ‘The Colin.’”

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It sounds like a bear. A burning bear!

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On the Ferrari Enzo: MOMMY!!!

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This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

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On the TVR Tuscan 2 “You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon’s backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says it’s too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone’s tried to mend their own shoes.

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What's the difference beetween a washing machine and a dead body. I dont have a washing machine in my basement...

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Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

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On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

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I do not understand why some people refer to their cars as "She" , lovingly. You never screw your car.

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'In Africa' Jeremy: And the Elephants use their noses to shovel water into their mouths. Richard: Thats a rubbish commentary.

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It's as reliable and long lasting as a pensioners erection.

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It's really sad that you can now buy Hummer aftershave. It comes in a jerry can of repressed homosexuality; you slosh it over your face yelling "I'M NOT GAY!"

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Yes, it's firm, but it's not uncomfortable. I mean compared to hanging from a bird's nest...by your fingernails...a million feet above some pointy boulders, for example.

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See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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Claire chris paul steve & dave

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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