This [Maserati Quattroporte GTS] is like having a 3-year old child. It's really annoying most of the time, but if someone tried to take it away from you, you'd kill them for it.

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i.

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The Amphibian Car Challenge "Which would come first, summer or James May?"

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On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

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[On the Citroen Berlingo]: "It's a very good car, so long as you want something that's equipped like a Romanian jail'

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ze5zege ef ege gg

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Are there any Spanish people here today? Yes? GIVE ME MY FISH BACK!

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It's like being tangled in a douvet on a hot night, I hate it!" Describibg one of the awful American pieces of tat on the good bad and the ugly dvd. Brilliant

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On the BMW x5 h&m The result is like putting a furious weasel in your underpants

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Assessing Hammond's crash: Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!" Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph." Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

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The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

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The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

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I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

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I'll tell you what, Richard. You go around our track on your Hayabusa at top speed and I'll chain smoke and we'll see who dies first.

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Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

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On the Vauxhall vectra: it's a cure for ADD, any child with would fall asleep in 3 minutes flat

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poopoopoopoopoopoopoop

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On the Enzo Ferrari "I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

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In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

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Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

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Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.

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This is the thing you have to remember, Alfa build a car to be as good as a car can be... briefly.

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on the Peugeot 206 gti the temperature was nudging 75 F and i was headed for London in the 206. After half a mile i was suspicious, after a mile i was angry. it may have an air conditioning button but it sure as hell doesn't have air conditioning. The Rolls-Royce system works with the power of 30 domestic refrigerators. Peugeot's works with the power of an asthmatic in Bangladesh blowing at you through a straw.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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