If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

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When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

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Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano "There, right in the middle of everything, is a quartic steering wheel. Yup, quartic, as in square, as in Austin Allegro. And worse still, it’s half carbon fibre and half leather, and it’s got all sorts of Formula One-style buttons on the bottom and then, along the top, a series of red lights that come on to tell you when to change gear. Unfortunately they are so bright you think you’ve been caught in the fearsome glare from a Martian spaceship. "So you don’t change gear. You crash."

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On The Stig: Some say that he was a science experiment gone wrong and that he only eats cheese. All we know is, he's called the stig!

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The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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I WONDER WHAT HAPPEN’S WHEN DOCTOR’S WIFE EATS AN APPLE A DAY. Source: Pingzic collection of WhatsApp Status

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On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

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ze5zege ef ege gg

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[On the Clio V6]: It had the worst turning circle in the world - you had to actually go round the world to actually turn it round.

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[Alfa Romeo Brera] I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather, and I'm nursing a semi.

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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Jeremy reading the safety labels on a Dodge Viper: This one is my favorite. "The top supports behind the seats are not a roll bar. This is an open vehicle--drive carefully..." No.

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On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

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On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

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This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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When you buy a Honda, well, your stuck with a Honda.

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I was driving this [Bentley Brooklands] on a sort of normal B road the other day, and it gave me some idea what it would be like to try and park the moon.

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"Aston Martin DB9. That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography."

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Frederik Du lugter

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Don't do that, tortoise!

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car goes fast

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It has dials the size of a fat spaniels face.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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