Q:what's the difference between a blonde and a u.f.o A:people seen u.f.o s

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[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

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Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano "There, right in the middle of everything, is a quartic steering wheel. Yup, quartic, as in square, as in Austin Allegro. And worse still, it’s half carbon fibre and half leather, and it’s got all sorts of Formula One-style buttons on the bottom and then, along the top, a series of red lights that come on to tell you when to change gear. Unfortunately they are so bright you think you’ve been caught in the fearsome glare from a Martian spaceship. "So you don’t change gear. You crash."

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(Referring to the Morris Marina) "The unpleasant log laid by British Leyland after communism crept like an itchy red blanket over the shop floor."

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most of you will think that showing up in cars like these in romania is like going to somalia with a suit made out of food...

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The only way to stop faster..is to hit a tree.

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Shut up with all your terrible banter!!!

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I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

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I'm not Just the Iron In Yard, I'm a Member

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It's as reliable and long lasting as a pensioners erection.

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So the Porsche Cayman is a Boxster with a roof. They should have called it the Cockster.

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This is winnie the pooh with road rage

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Could you really get children to work in a factory? Becouse that would be brilliant!

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While playing the video game Gran Turismo "Aston Martin DB9 – that’s not a racecar, that’s pornography."

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Tonight.. Leon finds a bin, Jack sanders takes over the bin, And James may, eats the bin.

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Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

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See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

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James: I'm curious, Jeremy, what is it that you don't get about bikes? Jeremy: I just don't want to have to dress up like a Power Ranger to go down to the pub and drink orange juice all afternoon.

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(Clarksons article regarding his daughters first car) " I wanted something with 2000 airbags, I wanted a bouncy castle with wipers"

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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Look at this fellow, he wants to bitch slap his hoe. Why not? Good luck to you fellow.

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Where do I like to watch my car videos? You guessed it. CarVideos site

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The Stig: Some say he was born in space, and that he is illegal in 17 U.S. states.

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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