- Clarksonisms

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This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!'

Jeremy on their challenge when James was gonna be piloting a plane: "So it'll be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage!"

This is the new Maserati 4x4. It's called the Kubang, which being a Maserati, probably also the sound it'll make when the warranty expires.

(Referring to the Morris Marina) "The unpleasant log laid by British Leyland after communism crept like an itchy red blanket over the shop floor."

The old Aston Martin DB7 was just a Jag in drag. It was an XJ-S in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different.

On the Ferrari 599 GTO: SPEEEEED, SPEEEED, and the noise of the SPEED!!!

...In the world.

It's perfect for short trips to the golf club. As a matter of fact, the [Mercedes CLS's] Satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations, and golf courses: everything the modern Mercedes driver needs.

The M3 CSL is going to be bought by the type of person who lies in bed at night thinking of his gearshift aggression strategy for his drive to work the next morning.

(Clarksons article regarding his daughters first car) " I wanted something with 2000 airbags, I wanted a bouncy castle with wipers"

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.

Today, Porsche brings ANOTHER 911 to an already confused world...

[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

On the Enzo Ferrari “Ferrari is so pleased with it they’ve named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That’d be the same as Lotus calling their next car... ‘The Colin.’”

Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

On the BMW x5 h&m The result is like putting a furious weasel in your underpants

I'm in the seat of a Ford Sierra Cosworth, holding a flamethrower. Can't get much happier than that.

Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

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Clarksonisms

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