A man walked into a bar May he rest in peace

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When you reach he limits of grip, the Jaguar XJ220 demands a special technique. You put your foot on the clutch, and repeat after me: Our Father, who art in heaven, I'll be there in a minute.

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I do not understand why some people refer to their cars as "She" , lovingly. You never screw your car.

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Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

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On the Lotus Exige “To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bacofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.”

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In the WOOORLD...

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Deal with it

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Now, what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine, but a little field mouse named Gerald, and considering its price, your better off literally eating seventeen and a half thousand pounds. Of gravel. -Jezza on the ford focus se

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In German accent about Mercedes SATNAV "You must turn around und do it again, make und U-Turn!!!"

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Killing a mamooth

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It has dials the size of a fat spaniels face.

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What did the black guy say to the brown guy we are both victims I racism

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On the Brabus SL: "A 1000 torques is what you'd use for... restarting a dead planet."

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People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

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It's perfect for short trips to the golf club. As a matter of fact, the [Mercedes CLS's] Satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations, and golf courses: everything the modern Mercedes driver needs.

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What's significant about San Francisco? Nothing really, just gay people.

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On the Mercedes SL Black: "there's no point even trying to turn. The steering wheel is useless, this thing has the turning circle of a full moon!"

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Regarding driving a Reliant Robin: "What we're about to do is about as dangerous as...inviting your mum over for an evening on ChatRoulette."

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...The wheel arches are flared, the car is slightly lowered, and at the back there are extra poo shoots

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Now the interesting thing about this car is that under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.

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The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase. . .this is like smearing honey into Keira Knightly. -driving the Audi R8

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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