- Clarksonisms

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When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

On The Stig: Some say that he was a science experiment gone wrong and that he only eats cheese. All we know is, he's called the stig!

On the McLaren P1: "And as you hurdle around in a puddle of your own feces, grinning like an infant, the car is working on ways to go even faster."

It's like sitting on Dawn French!

Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

On paddle shift automatic gearboxes “The thing is, it’s a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever… ‘Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power station – I’m a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I’m gonna swap some cogs around!’”

What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

Listen to this chap. He wants to "bitch slap his hoe" why not. Good luck to ya fella

Just because something is unreliable doesn't mean it isn't great. Take, for example, Stephen Hawking. Great man, but most of him doesn't work.

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

On the GT (Between Hammond and Clarkson) Hammond: So with that, the Ford GT gets 75 miles per tank. Jeremy, how far is it to work from your house?" Clarkson: "76 miles..."

I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

It has dials the size of a fat spaniels face.

Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase. . .this is like smearing honey into Keira Knightly. -driving the Audi R8

Motorized pepper grinder?

[In the P45]: "AH LORRY, LORRY, LORRY, LORRY! Oh a lot of poo SHOT out then!"

Now, what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine, but a little field mouse named Gerald, and considering its price, your better off literally eating seventeen and a half thousand pounds. Of gravel. -Jezza on the ford focus se

On Gallardo Spyder "I am in love!"

Claire chris paul steve & dave

...The wheel arches are flared, the car is slightly lowered, and at the back there are extra poo shoots

What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

What did the orphan kids get for Christmas? Cancer.

Don't do that, tortoise!

Clarksonisms

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