- Clarksonisms

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Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

On the Porsche Cayenne “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”

If you have any thoughts or opinions on what you’ve seen in the last ten weeks, do please keep them to yourselves.

If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.

On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

The back of the BMW 6 series... it looks like a tramp's hat!

On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

It costs Volkswagen £200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could probably make a couple of cars for that.

The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

POWER!!!!!!!!!!

I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

Bentley, Feawr Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, In Bentley No One Can Hear You Scream (In American Movie Trailer Voice)

That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

Clarksonisms

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