- Clarksonisms

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Okay, engines for the Alfa Romeo Brera: 2.2 liters, 3.2 v6, and you can have a diesel if you're the type of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

...The wheel arches are flared, the car is slightly lowered, and at the back there are extra poo shoots

"Still, if you want one [X5 M], get your nurse to find you a crayon and write out a check for seventy six thousand pounds...or if you don't understand how crayons work, you could spend even more on this rather ugly Audi."

Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

It's like putting a furious weasel in your underpants!

I do not understand why some people refer to their cars as "She" , lovingly. You never screw your car.

On the Porsche Cayenne “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”

Hating jewd isn't rascist, it's actually called being anti-semetist

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

The back of the BMW 6 series... it looks like a tramp's hat!

I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks

On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

"How do I tell James to slow down?"

On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

Are there any Spanish people here today? Yes? GIVE ME MY FISH BACK!

On paddle shift automatic gearboxes “The thing is, it’s a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever… ‘Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power station – I’m a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I’m gonna swap some cogs around!’”

'In Africa' Jeremy: And the Elephants use their noses to shovel water into their mouths. Richard: Thats a rubbish commentary.

[FSO Polenez] It's less reliable than a pensioner's erection.

Clarksonisms

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