- Clarksonisms

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tonight... we test drive... a fiat punto. a VW golf and adam burdass

During the color-mixing for the elderly-friendly Fiat (Multipla) Rover James: "So you can make any color we want? Can you do my left nipple?"

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

Doesn't matter if it's Hell in a Cell, Rage in a Cage or Painus in your anus!

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

M3 drivers have no friends.

This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!'

On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

I'll tell you what. We'll try it my way first... and then we'll finish.

"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

Describing the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder's sound: It's like listening to the Cirque Du Soleil being chopped up by their own chainsaws.

I was driving this [Bentley Brooklands] on a sort of normal B road the other day, and it gave me some idea what it would be like to try and park the moon.

Pintos are like virgin girls. You hit one in the rear and BOOM!

(Upon seeing a gentleman with shoulder-length hair in the audience): "Jesus is here!"

In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

What's the difference beetween a washing machine and a dead body. I dont have a washing machine in my basement...

In the WOOORLD...

Clarksonisms

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