On the Alfa Romeo Brera “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

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Perodua Kelisa 1.0 GXi "This is without doubt the worst car, not just in its category but in the world. It has a top speed of 88mph but takes so long to reach it that no one has ever lived long enough to verify the claim, the inside is tackier than Anthea Turner’s wedding and you don’t want to think what would happen if it bumped into a lamppost. "Also its name sounds like a disease."

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Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.

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On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

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Hating jewd isn't rascist, it's actually called being anti-semetist

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What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

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I don't like being overtaken. It's a sign of weakness.

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[FSO Polenez] It's less reliable than a pensioner's erection.

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I love the feel of some hairy, salty balls on my chin. Mmmmm!

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On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

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Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

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On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

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... And across the line!

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What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

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Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

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The Ford Focus "It's like an Air Hostess wearing orange"

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The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany.

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It's not a torch! It's a RAMPANT RABBIT!!

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On the Renault Clio V6 “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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These newer supercars are much kinder to the environment as well. For example, this one here: the only thing coming out of its tailpipes are baby foxes.

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Im you can imagine sharing a waterbed with a baboon drenchd in itching powder On the 70' Lincon TownCar

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The old Aston Martin DB7 was just a Jag in drag. It was an XJ-S in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different.

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we wait with anticipation

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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