In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

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'In Africa' Jeremy: And the Elephants use their noses to shovel water into their mouths. Richard: Thats a rubbish commentary.

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(On the TukTuk) I think I have cancer now.

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The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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On the Ferrari Enzo: MOMMY!!!

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It has dials the size of a fat spaniels face.

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Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

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And, it's made in Britain! Which is another way of saying the door is going to fall off.

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A Hummer; You need 280574965897831756791492756237859087683472390645839057644382457684385739248759320842013878742178347658375843921764 gallons of gas to get out of the garage.

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In German accent about Mercedes SATNAV "You must turn around und do it again, make und U-Turn!!!"

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'Tinkering' with it, when you have a Lancia, is just another way of saying 'trying to make it start'. You go to a Lancia, turn the key and think, "Right, I better just 'tinker' with it and see if we can coax some life into the thing".

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On the Crysler PT Cruiser: "The front looks like a face. A friendly face from the land that gave us friendly fire."

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Clarkson watching someone drive a lada and being offered to ride one. "Its are raping him! And then its going to rape me!... OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

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Speed has never killed anyone - suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you. - SMC Digital

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this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

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Bentley, Feawr Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, In Bentley No One Can Hear You Scream (In American Movie Trailer Voice)

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The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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That Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.

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The BMW X5 M "... And I don't know about you, but I find this interior ... rather boring. Apart from that obviously, the torque thing. It's like sitting in someone's ear."

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herro am spoderman

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most of you will think that showing up in cars like these in romania is like going to somalia with a suit made out of food...

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Old jags are like living inside James May but this one is like living inside James Kirk

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That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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