- Clarksonisms

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WHAT A MACHINE!!!!

"I’m choosing the words for my conclusion with even more care than usual. So here goes. The 1-series is crap." BMW 1 Series

Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.

[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.

On the Vauxhall vectra: it's a cure for ADD, any child with would fall asleep in 3 minutes flat

When discussing the suspension adjustability on the Bentley Continental GT. "It really is about as useful as having a snooze button on a smoke alarm".

On the GT (Between Hammond and Clarkson) Hammond: So with that, the Ford GT gets 75 miles per tank. Jeremy, how far is it to work from your house?" Clarkson: "76 miles..."

While discussing The Stig's tube leg of the race, on foot through london, "....or stig could be mistaken for a Brazillian plumber". Not very PC but very apt - and you are left in no doubt on his thoughts on the subject.

Okay, engines for the Alfa Romeo Brera: 2.2 liters, 3.2 v6, and you can have a diesel if you're the type of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

I was driving this [Bentley Brooklands] on a sort of normal B road the other day, and it gave me some idea what it would be like to try and park the moon.

[Alfa Romeo Brera] I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather, and I'm nursing a semi.

The M3 CSL is going to be bought by the type of person who lies in bed at night thinking of his gearshift aggression strategy for his drive to work the next morning.

On the Enzo Ferrari "I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

I'm not Just the Iron In Yard, I'm a Member

A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

It's like God having really unusual sex. (On the sound of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia)

On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

It's like sitting on Dawn French!

"I mean let's be honest about the Bently, it's simply a Volkswagen with some wood grain."

What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

Killing a mamooth

Clarksonisms

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