It's not a torch! It's a RAMPANT RABBIT!!

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In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

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Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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[FSO Polenez] It's less reliable than a pensioner's erection.

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Don't do that, tortoise!

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The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

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Best to you with our ice cream van with a gun on top of it.

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Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.

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[On the Aston Martin DBS]: "I especially like the gear lever, which is like a Power Ranger's leg"

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"And even supposing British cars were terrible, we wouldn't go about saying so. You don't see Jack Bauer saying 'Don't come to America, it's filled with terrorists'!"

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[On the Citroen Berlingo]: "It's a very good car, so long as you want something that's equipped like a Romanian jail'

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tonight... we test drive... a fiat punto. a VW golf and adam burdass

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On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

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[on his own driving test] - I didn't see it as a driving test so much as a confirmation of my excelence.

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[On the Clio V6]: It had the worst turning circle in the world - you had to actually go round the world to actually turn it round.

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The only way to stop faster..is to hit a tree.

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"Aston Martin DB9. That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography."

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Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

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I'll tell you what, Richard. You go around our track on your Hayabusa at top speed and I'll chain smoke and we'll see who dies first.

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The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany.

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ze5zege ef ege gg

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Tonight.. Leon finds a bin, Jack sanders takes over the bin, And James may, eats the bin.

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Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano "There, right in the middle of everything, is a quartic steering wheel. Yup, quartic, as in square, as in Austin Allegro. And worse still, it’s half carbon fibre and half leather, and it’s got all sorts of Formula One-style buttons on the bottom and then, along the top, a series of red lights that come on to tell you when to change gear. Unfortunately they are so bright you think you’ve been caught in the fearsome glare from a Martian spaceship. "So you don’t change gear. You crash."

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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