In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

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On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

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Speed saves people!

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Volkswagen Jetta "I’d love to meet the man who styled the exterior, to find out if he’d done it as some sort of a joke. But mostly I’d like to meet the man who simply didn’t bother at all with the interior. Because looking at that dashboard gives you some idea of what it might be like to be dead."

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[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

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It's like sitting on Dawn French!

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The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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On the Corvette Z06 “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

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I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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So the Porsche Cayman is a Boxster with a roof. They should have called it the Cockster.

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If you've got a better route map from the AA website, why don't you write to us at 'I asked the AA for a route to King's Lynn and now I'm on the International Space Station', Top Gear, London

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Man interviewing clarkson and hammond: What's your carbon footprint like? Clarkson: We dont have a carbon footprint we drive everywhere.

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It stands out like

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Speed has never killed anyone - suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you. - SMC Digital

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While playing the video game Gran Turismo "Aston Martin DB9 – that’s not a racecar, that’s pornography."

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On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

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On the Vauxhall Astra VXR No, listen, listen, listen, you won't be at the party if you drive one of these because you'll have torque-steered into a tree on the way. And you'd be killed, and that's important to die in an anecdote...your children will say "daddy died in a fireball in a Vauxhall and a tree!"

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Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

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On a Chevrolet Corvette "The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

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BMW 645Ci "If you were to buy a 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside."

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It's perfect for short trips to the golf club. As a matter of fact, the [Mercedes CLS's] Satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations, and golf courses: everything the modern Mercedes driver needs.

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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