- Clarksonisms

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The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany.

'In Africa' Jeremy: And the Elephants use their noses to shovel water into their mouths. Richard: Thats a rubbish commentary.

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

I'll tell you what. We'll try it my way first... and then we'll finish.

Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.

I love the feel of some hairy, salty balls on my chin. Mmmmm!

I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge, but there you go

I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

On the Porsche Cayman S “There are many things I’d rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.”

...In the world.

Now that we have power steering, all you have to do [to race] is lie down, turn the wheel, and if you want to win all you have to do is go a little bit faster than all the others.

Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

[On Hammond's Dolomite Sprint] My washing machine moves around the kitchen faster than that!

It costs Volkswagen £200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could probably make a couple of cars for that.

Im you can imagine sharing a waterbed with a baboon drenchd in itching powder On the 70' Lincon TownCar

The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

"How do I tell James to slow down?"

I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

Hold on to your spleens everyone!

The back of the BMW 6 series... it looks like a tramp's hat!

If you've got a better route map from the AA website, why don't you write to us at 'I asked the AA for a route to King's Lynn and now I'm on the International Space Station', Top Gear, London

Clarksonisms

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