- Clarksonisms

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Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

Nope, Moral Man the people`s champion does not know either... Moral: Now and forever, I am Moral Man.

[In the Police Car Challenge] In jail, no one can here you scream

"Aston Martin DB9. That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography."

"Still, if you want one [X5 M], get your nurse to find you a crayon and write out a check for seventy six thousand pounds...or if you don't understand how crayons work, you could spend even more on this rather ugly Audi."

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

How hard can it be?

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On the Alfa Romeo Brera “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

On the Renault Clio V6 “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

I don't like being overtaken. It's a sign of weakness.

The old Aston Martin DB7 was just a Jag in drag. It was an XJ-S in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different.

"... And his miserable flat 6 is no match for this V8 tower of power!" Jeremy Clarkson on Audi R8 & Porsche Carrera 2

I don't always play guitar, but when I do, I'm awesome.

Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

The Amphibian Car Challenge "Which would come first, summer or James May?"

On the Porsche Cayenne “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”

What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany.

Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

Clarksonisms

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