When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel “When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.

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Buying this car for its dynamic abilities, is like buying a porn film for its plot.

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On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

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[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

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The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

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Some Poos Come Out

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Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

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A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

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The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

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What's worse than the holocaust? 6 million Jews.

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Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

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I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

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In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

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Cars cars cars.... heh. Written by: pirater un compte facebook

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On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

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On the Mercedes CLS55: Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

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Speed never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.

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This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!'

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I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i.

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Assessing Hammond's crash: Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!" Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph." Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

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Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

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On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

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Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

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The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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