- Clarksonisms

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Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.

On the Mercedes SL Black: "there's no point even trying to turn. The steering wheel is useless, this thing has the turning circle of a full moon!"

The BMW X5 M "... And I don't know about you, but I find this interior ... rather boring. Apart from that obviously, the torque thing. It's like sitting in someone's ear."

Yes, it's firm, but it's not uncomfortable. I mean compared to hanging from a bird's nest...by your fingernails...a million feet above some pointy boulders, for example.

On the Porsche Cayenne “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”

In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

This [Ferrari F60 Enzo] isn't just uncool, it's seriously uncool. Think of it this way, if you walk into the bathroom and see a man standing suspiciously close to the urinal, he probably owns one of them.

The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

What did the orphan kids get for Christmas? Cancer.

[On the Clio V6]: It had the worst turning circle in the world - you had to actually go round the world to actually turn it round.

These newer supercars are much kinder to the environment as well. For example, this one here: the only thing coming out of its tailpipes are baby foxes.

When you buy a Honda, well, your stuck with a Honda.

I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

[On the Aston Martin DBS]: "I especially like the gear lever, which is like a Power Ranger's leg"

Flying fish wasabi?

"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

While driving through a rural part of India: "MONKEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!! MONKEY MONKEY.... with MASSIVE testicles!!!!"

"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" Audience laughs "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" audience gasps then applauds

Killing a mamooth

[In the Police Car Challenge] In jail, no one can here you scream

I'll tell you what, Richard. You go around our track on your Hayabusa at top speed and I'll chain smoke and we'll see who dies first.

The Amphibian Car Challenge "Which would come first, summer or James May?"

Clarksonisms

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