Regarding driving a Reliant Robin: "What we're about to do is about as dangerous as...inviting your mum over for an evening on ChatRoulette."

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The back of the BMW 6 series... it looks like a tramp's hat!

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There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

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Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

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The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

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Okay, engines for the Alfa Romeo Brera: 2.2 liters, 3.2 v6, and you can have a diesel if you're the type of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

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I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

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The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

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On the Lotus Exige “To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bacofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.”

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I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i.

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There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

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What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

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...The wheel arches are flared, the car is slightly lowered, and at the back there are extra poo shoots

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Hold on to your spleens everyone!

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So the Porsche Cayman is a Boxster with a roof. They should have called it the Cockster.

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What's significant about San Francisco? Nothing really, just gay people.

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That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

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If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

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Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

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Das Stig is a manaic!

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I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

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What's worse than the holocaust? 6 million Jews.

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[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

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The old Aston Martin DB7 was just a Jag in drag. It was an XJ-S in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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