So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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"Aston Martin DB9. That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography."

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I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

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The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

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This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

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Jeremy on the Pagani Zonda F Roadster: "This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat."

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Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

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Announcing the Top Gear Awards in December 2005] “Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn’t move an inch.

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(On the TukTuk) I think I have cancer now.

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It's like putting a furious weasel in your underpants!

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The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

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On the Mercedes CLS55: Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

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On the Ford GT40 “Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that’s a question I’ve never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.”

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Listen to this chap. He wants to "bitch slap his hoe" why not. Good luck to ya fella

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Frederik Du lugter

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"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" *Audience laughs* "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" *audience gasps then applauds*

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Jeremy on their challenge when James was gonna be piloting a plane: "So it'll be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage!"

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[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

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In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

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And after a riged phone vote , The Stig has a new name. He called Cuddles

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On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

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What did the orphan kids get for Christmas? Cancer.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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