- Clarksonisms

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Today, Porsche brings ANOTHER 911 to an already confused world...

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

On Gallardo Spyder "I am in love!"

On the Crysler PT Cruiser: "The front looks like a face. A friendly face from the land that gave us friendly fire."

The only way to stop faster..is to hit a tree.

(On the TukTuk) I think I have cancer now.

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"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" *Audience laughs* "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" *audience gasps then applauds*

Converting a racing car into a street car is like watching porn with all the good bits cut out... all you end up watching is a close up of some sweaty bloke bobbing his head for half an hour.

I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

the fastest car IN THE WORLD!!

Jeremy on the Pagani Zonda F Roadster: "This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat."

[Alfa Romeo Brera] I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather, and I'm nursing a semi.

We'll try it my way first, and then we'll finish it.

[On the Aston Martin DBS]: "I especially like the gear lever, which is like a Power Ranger's leg"

The old Aston Martin DB7 was just a Jag in drag. It was an XJ-S in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different.

On the Chrysler Crossfire: "This is the worst thing that's come out of Germans and Americans working together since a fellow named Adolphus Busch arrived in America, tasted the water, and said "yeah, I could make beer out of this." And we were given that headache in a can - Budweiser."

On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

[In the Police Car Challenge] In jail, no one can here you scream

"So having a twin turbo V12 diesel is like, turning your central heating off at home, and then keeping warm ... by burning Rembrandts." Audi Q7 V12 TDI

Old jags are like living inside James May but this one is like living inside James Kirk

On the Mercedes CLS55: Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

[Stretch Limos Challenge] - ... for some extraodinary reason the rules say you can't drive a 46-foot car on the public highway, so I had to do some surgery...

(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

Clarksonisms

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"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" Audience laughs "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" audience gasps then applauds