...The wheel arches are flared, the car is slightly lowered, and at the back there are extra poo shoots

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On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

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Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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On British Leyland: "Never in the field of human endeavour has so much been done, so badly, by so many."

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A man walked into a bar May he rest in peace

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Old jags are like living inside James May but this one is like living inside James Kirk

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"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

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Clarkson in a magazine, Take the Koala for instance, It spends half its life off its face on dope and the moment it gets scared it catches chlamydia

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I'm in the seat of a Ford Sierra Cosworth, holding a flamethrower. Can't get much happier than that.

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There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

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"So having a twin turbo V12 diesel is like, turning your central heating off at home, and then keeping warm ... by burning Rembrandts." Audi Q7 V12 TDI

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The back of the BMW 6 series... it looks like a tramp's hat!

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On the Brabus SL: "A 1000 torques is what you'd use for... restarting a dead planet."

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The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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Speed is the solution to everything, not that I have ever done it, I mean I love speed but, not the other thing, the actual speed, the thing that makes you go really crazy and feel adrenaline curse trough you like hell! No not the stimulant, well actually... ...COME ON YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! (believe it or not, this is how he behaved when drunk 5 years ago, funny guy even when he is not trying to)

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We'll try it my way first, and then we'll finish it.

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And after a riged phone vote , The Stig has a new name. He called Cuddles

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ze5zege ef ege gg

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What did the black guy say to the brown guy we are both victims I racism

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You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

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Speed has never killed anyone - suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you. - SMC Digital

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Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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