On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

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On the Alfa Romeo Brera “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

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[In the P45]: "AH LORRY, LORRY, LORRY, LORRY! Oh a lot of poo SHOT out then!"

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Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

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Today, Porsche brings ANOTHER 911 to an already confused world...

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Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

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Just because something is unreliable doesn't mean it isn't great. Take, for example, Stephen Hawking. Great man, but most of him doesn't work.

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Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

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On the Alfa Romeo 8C "as Sir Francis Bacon once said, 'there is no beauty which hath not some strangeness about its proportions'. And he's right, who ever he is. I mean, look at keira Knightley. She's just an ironing board with a face. And she works."

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Buying this car for its dynamic abilities, is like buying a porn film for its plot.

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WHAT A MACHINE!!!!

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Hold on to your spleens everyone!

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You know what's funny? The Joke below this one.

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When you reach he limits of grip, the Jaguar XJ220 demands a special technique. You put your foot on the clutch, and repeat after me: Our Father, who art in heaven, I'll be there in a minute.

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Best to you with our ice cream van with a gun on top of it.

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"Lancia did have some issues; for example, the Gamma exploded every time you turned the steering wheel"

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While playing the video game Gran Turismo "Aston Martin DB9 – that’s not a racecar, that’s pornography."

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Listen to this chap. He wants to "bitch slap his hoe" why not. Good luck to ya fella

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(Referring to the Morris Marina) "The unpleasant log laid by British Leyland after communism crept like an itchy red blanket over the shop floor."

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In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

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I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i.

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...The wheel arches are flared, the car is slightly lowered, and at the back there are extra poo shoots

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I'll tell you what. We'll try it my way first... and then we'll finish.

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Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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