"... And his miserable flat 6 is no match for this V8 tower of power!" Jeremy Clarkson on Audi R8 & Porsche Carrera 2

thumb_up thumb_down +50

In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

thumb_up thumb_down +76

Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

thumb_up thumb_down +171

What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

thumb_up thumb_down +30

Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

thumb_up thumb_down -650

Converting a racing car into a street car is like watching porn with all the good bits cut out... all you end up watching is a close up of some sweaty bloke bobbing his head for half an hour.

thumb_up thumb_down +113

Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?

thumb_up thumb_down +268

On A Lincoln Towncar. I can see him at home with his wife now. Dammit Myrdle! I can't figger out a way to make this wheel square! I got me square dials, I got me a square dash, I got me a square body. But the wheel! it's circular! Ruins the whole KAWR!

thumb_up thumb_down +162

poopoopoopoopoopoopoop

thumb_up thumb_down -60

I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

thumb_up thumb_down +191

On a Chevrolet Corvette "The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

thumb_up thumb_down +228

Clarkson watching someone drive a lada and being offered to ride one. "Its are raping him! And then its going to rape me!... OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

thumb_up thumb_down -72

[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

thumb_up thumb_down -34

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

thumb_up thumb_down +119

The BMW X5 M "... And I don't know about you, but I find this interior ... rather boring. Apart from that obviously, the torque thing. It's like sitting in someone's ear."

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Das Stig is a manaic!

thumb_up thumb_down +20

The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

thumb_up thumb_down +104

While driving through a rural part of India: "MONKEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!! MONKEY MONKEY.... with MASSIVE testicles!!!!"

thumb_up thumb_down +181

On the Renault Clio V6 “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

thumb_up thumb_down +163

If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

thumb_up thumb_down +33

In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

thumb_up thumb_down -16

Peugeot 407 Coupé 2.7 V6 HDi SE "It has the zip of a chairlift. With plodding performance and steady-as-she-goes handling the only thing this car will make you feel like is a cup of Horlicks with a splash of hemlock. Empty-nesters should buy a PlayStation instead, and spend the afternoon shooting crack whores."

thumb_up thumb_down +101

"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" *Audience laughs* "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" *audience gasps then applauds*

thumb_up thumb_down +26

On the porsche GT2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that concludes my roadroad test of the GT2.

thumb_up thumb_down +97

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

When you're done here, check out our car fail site!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.