- Clarksonisms

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[On the Citroen Berlingo]: "It's a very good car, so long as you want something that's equipped like a Romanian jail'

Hating jewd isn't rascist, it's actually called being anti-semetist

I don't like being overtaken. It's a sign of weakness.

On the Corvette Z06 “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

Just because something is unreliable doesn't mean it isn't great. Take, for example, Stephen Hawking. Great man, but most of him doesn't work.

This is the same colour as a prosthetic limb!!

What's the difference beetween a washing machine and a dead body. I dont have a washing machine in my basement...

On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

On the BMW X5 M There's a gallon of fuel gone there, and another there...and yet another there. As a matter of fact, the only way this car could be less annoying to eco-mentalists is if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.

The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

The only way to stop faster..is to hit a tree.

Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.

On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

Man interviewing clarkson and hammond: What's your carbon footprint like? Clarkson: We dont have a carbon footprint we drive everywhere.

On the Ford GT40 “Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that’s a question I’ve never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.”

"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" *Audience laughs* "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" *audience gasps then applauds*

This is the thing you have to remember, Alfa build a car to be as good as a car can be... briefly.

You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

on the corvette: So if you want a car with vietnamese suspension that is made out of plastic, this is the car for you!

People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

The M3 CSL is going to be bought by the type of person who lies in bed at night thinking of his gearshift aggression strategy for his drive to work the next morning.

Clarksonisms

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"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" Audience laughs "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" audience gasps then applauds