- Clarksonisms

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I don't always play guitar, but when I do, I'm awesome.

"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

I don't like being overtaken. It's a sign of weakness.

On the Mercedes SL Black: "there's no point even trying to turn. The steering wheel is useless, this thing has the turning circle of a full moon!"

You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

[On the Clio V6]: It had the worst turning circle in the world - you had to actually go round the world to actually turn it round.

It's as reliable and long lasting as a pensioners erection.

ze5zege ef ege gg

[In the P45]: "AH LORRY, LORRY, LORRY, LORRY! Oh a lot of poo SHOT out then!"

These newer supercars are much kinder to the environment as well. For example, this one here: the only thing coming out of its tailpipes are baby foxes.

Talking to Hammond along with James: Same Time: "YOUR AN AMERICAN HAMMOND, THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH."

The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

You know what's funny? The Joke below this one.

I AM CLARK! WELCOME TO DIE X-CHICKEN! MORAL: WHEN IT SAYS MORAL, THAT MEANS THAT YOU MUST NOT GIVE ME THUMBS UPS! I WONT LET YOU BREAK MY UBER MORAL SHIELD!

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

When it comes to getting 100,000 twitter followers, Ladsta is your best bet. For only 49.99, you can get 100,000 followers sent to your twitter account.

Today, Porsche brings ANOTHER 911 to an already confused world...

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

on the corvette: So if you want a car with vietnamese suspension that is made out of plastic, this is the car for you!

Speed saves people!

[On the Aston Martin DBS]: "I especially like the gear lever, which is like a Power Ranger's leg"

On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

Clarksonisms

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