Im you can imagine sharing a waterbed with a baboon drenchd in itching powder On the 70' Lincon TownCar

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[on his own driving test] - I didn't see it as a driving test so much as a confirmation of my excelence.

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I love the feel of some hairy, salty balls on my chin. Mmmmm!

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When you buy a Honda, well, your stuck with a Honda.

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Okay, engines for the Alfa Romeo Brera: 2.2 liters, 3.2 v6, and you can have a diesel if you're the type of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

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I don't like being overtaken. It's a sign of weakness.

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On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

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[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

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What's worse then stubbing your toe? Finding out one of your loved ones died.

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People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

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Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

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If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

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herro am spoderman

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If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.

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On The Stig: Some say that he was a science experiment gone wrong and that he only eats cheese. All we know is, he's called the stig!

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There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

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As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

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The Amphibian Car Challenge "Which would come first, summer or James May?"

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Some sa that he's wanted by the CIA, and that he only eats cheese. All we know is... he's NOT the Stig, but he is Barack Obama... No wait, the Stig's AMERICAN COUSIN!

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It stands out like

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In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

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What's worse than the holocaust? 6 million Jews.

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Hammond: "The premiums for 17 year old girls are around half what they are for 17 year old boys" Clarkson: "Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there! If you're a 17 year old and you need car insurance, slice your penis off."

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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