A man walked into a bar May he rest in peace

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On the Citroën Berlingo: You can tell when a car firm is desperate to find things to say about their car, just look at the website: it has a laminated front windscreen, single front passenger seat, and manually adjustable door mirrors. So no electric mirrors, no alloy wheels. So it's a very good car so long as you want something that's equipped like a Romanian jail.

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[On the Aston Martin DBS]: "I especially like the gear lever, which is like a Power Ranger's leg"

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I'll tell you what. We'll try it my way first... and then we'll finish.

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On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

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Jeremy on the Pagani Zonda F Roadster: "This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat."

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Talking to Hammond along with James: Same Time: "YOUR AN AMERICAN HAMMOND, THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH."

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On the Mercedes SL Black: "there's no point even trying to turn. The steering wheel is useless, this thing has the turning circle of a full moon!"

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Grips good, if you want to win a race, grip is brilliant. BUT for drifting.. for having FUN.. grip is BAD!

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During the color-mixing for the elderly-friendly Fiat (Multipla) Rover James: "So you can make any color we want? Can you do my left nipple?"

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Now the interesting thing about this car is that under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.

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If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

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Doesn't matter if it's Hell in a Cell, Rage in a Cage or Painus in your anus!

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In Bolivia when a bridge had to be built Clarkson (firing up a chainsaw): I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE Hammond: He's got a chainsaw, hasn't he? Clarkson: OH YES! Hammond: Oh God.

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I WONDER WHAT HAPPEN’S WHEN DOCTOR’S WIFE EATS AN APPLE A DAY. Source: Pingzic collection of WhatsApp Status

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We'll try it my way first, and then we'll finish it.

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On the mclaren MP4-12C The first thing I would like to know is why they've named it after a fax machine.

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Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

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(Upon seeing a gentleman with shoulder-length hair in the audience): "Jesus is here!"

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"... And his miserable flat 6 is no match for this V8 tower of power!" Jeremy Clarkson on Audi R8 & Porsche Carrera 2

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This [Maserati Quattroporte GTS] is like having a 3-year old child. It's really annoying most of the time, but if someone tried to take it away from you, you'd kill them for it.

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I'm not Just the Iron In Yard, I'm a Member

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[FSO Polenez] It's less reliable than a pensioner's erection.

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WHAT A MACHINE!!!!

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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