- Clarksonisms

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Doesn't matter if it's Hell in a Cell, Rage in a Cage or Painus in your anus!

Nope, Moral Man the people`s champion does not know either... Moral: Now and forever, I am Moral Man.

Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks

On the BMW x5 h&m The result is like putting a furious weasel in your underpants

herro am spoderman

Now, what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine, but a little field mouse named Gerald, and considering its price, your better off literally eating seventeen and a half thousand pounds. Of gravel. -Jezza on the ford focus se

The Ford Focus "It's like an Air Hostess wearing orange"

It's as reliable and long lasting as a pensioners erection.

In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

This [Maserati Quattroporte GTS] is like having a 3-year old child. It's really annoying most of the time, but if someone tried to take it away from you, you'd kill them for it.

While discussing The Stig's tube leg of the race, on foot through london, "....or stig could be mistaken for a Brazillian plumber". Not very PC but very apt - and you are left in no doubt on his thoughts on the subject.

It has dials the size of a fat spaniels face.

Speed has never killed anyone - suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you. - SMC Digital

And, it's made in Britain! Which is another way of saying the door is going to fall off.

This is the new Maserati 4x4. It's called the Kubang, which being a Maserati, probably also the sound it'll make when the warranty expires.

Converting a racing car into a street car is like watching porn with all the good bits cut out... all you end up watching is a close up of some sweaty bloke bobbing his head for half an hour.

Yes, it's firm, but it's not uncomfortable. I mean compared to hanging from a bird's nest...by your fingernails...a million feet above some pointy boulders, for example.

The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

I'm not Just the Iron In Yard, I'm a Member

(Referring to the Morris Marina) "The unpleasant log laid by British Leyland after communism crept like an itchy red blanket over the shop floor."

Clarksonisms

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