You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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Because of the French the concept if a car doesn't exist anymore

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[Alfa Romeo Brera] I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather, and I'm nursing a semi.

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On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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"Still, if you want one [X5 M], get your nurse to find you a crayon and write out a check for seventy six thousand pounds...or if you don't understand how crayons work, you could spend even more on this rather ugly Audi."

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on Ferrari F430: "the basic price is about 118,000 pound, which is not really bad. I mean, sell the house, sell the children for medical experiment, rob a bank, and you will soon get that money"

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The Amphibian Car Challenge "Which would come first, summer or James May?"

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The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

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I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

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Now the interesting thing about this car is that under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.

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It's like God having really unusual sex. (On the sound of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia)

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Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

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Man interviewing clarkson and hammond: What's your carbon footprint like? Clarkson: We dont have a carbon footprint we drive everywhere.

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There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

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[On Hammond's Dolomite Sprint] My washing machine moves around the kitchen faster than that!

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How many years are there in donkey years?

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On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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On oliver top gear car of the year 2007 - "I would rather eat my gentleman vegetables"

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"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

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The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

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Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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