'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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'In Africa' Jeremy: And the Elephants use their noses to shovel water into their mouths. Richard: Thats a rubbish commentary.

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Buying this car for its dynamic abilities, is like buying a porn film for its plot.

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Speed saves people!

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This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!'

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Hating jewd isn't rascist, it's actually called being anti-semetist

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Speed never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.

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On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

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This [Maserati Quattroporte GTS] is like having a 3-year old child. It's really annoying most of the time, but if someone tried to take it away from you, you'd kill them for it.

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[On the Jaguar S-Type Concept Car]: If that car comes out like that then I will cut my left leg off and beat myself to death with it

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Tonight.. Leon finds a bin, Jack sanders takes over the bin, And James may, eats the bin.

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This [Ferrari F60 Enzo] isn't just uncool, it's seriously uncool. Think of it this way, if you walk into the bathroom and see a man standing suspiciously close to the urinal, he probably owns one of them.

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Motor from a food blender?

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Yes, it's firm, but it's not uncomfortable. I mean compared to hanging from a bird's nest...by your fingernails...a million feet above some pointy boulders, for example.

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On the Ferrari Enzo: MOMMY!!!

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I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

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this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

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What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

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On the Corvette Z06 “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

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The M3 CSL is going to be bought by the type of person who lies in bed at night thinking of his gearshift aggression strategy for his drive to work the next morning.

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On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

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I'll tell you what. We'll try it my way first... and then we'll finish.

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On A Lincoln Towncar. I can see him at home with his wife now. Dammit Myrdle! I can't figger out a way to make this wheel square! I got me square dials, I got me a square dash, I got me a square body. But the wheel! it's circular! Ruins the whole KAWR!

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Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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