- Clarksonisms

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As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

Motorized pepper grinder?

I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

Flying fish wasabi?

While driving through a rural part of India: "MONKEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!! MONKEY MONKEY.... with MASSIVE testicles!!!!"

What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

Motor from a food blender?

On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

M3 drivers have no friends.

The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

Now that we have power steering, all you have to do [to race] is lie down, turn the wheel, and if you want to win all you have to do is go a little bit faster than all the others.

On Detroit “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place."

You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

How many years are there in donkey years?

During the color-mixing for the elderly-friendly Fiat (Multipla) Rover James: "So you can make any color we want? Can you do my left nipple?"

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?

Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

Clarksonisms

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