tonight, james wears jack sanders like a hat, richard wears jack sanders like a hat, and i wear jack sanders like a hat

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Speed has never killed anyone - suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you. - SMC Digital

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In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

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Assessing Hammond's crash: Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!" Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph." Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

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M3 drivers have no friends.

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On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

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[on his own driving test] - I didn't see it as a driving test so much as a confirmation of my excelence.

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Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

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Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase. . .this is like smearing honey into Keira Knightly. -driving the Audi R8

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On the TVR Tuscan 2 “You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon’s backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says it’s too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone’s tried to mend their own shoes.

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It's like being tangled in a douvet on a hot night, I hate it!" Describibg one of the awful American pieces of tat on the good bad and the ugly dvd. Brilliant

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"Aston Martin DB9. That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography."

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There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

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The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

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The Ford Focus "It's like an Air Hostess wearing orange"

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Buying this car for its dynamic abilities, is like buying a porn film for its plot.

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The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

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Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

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On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

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...The wheel arches are flared, the car is slightly lowered, and at the back there are extra poo shoots

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On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

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How many years are there in donkey years?

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On the Ford GT40 “Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that’s a question I’ve never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.”

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On the Crysler PT Cruiser: "The front looks like a face. A friendly face from the land that gave us friendly fire."

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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