- Clarksonisms

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If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

"Aston Martin DB9. That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography."

People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

[On the Aston Martin DBS]: "I especially like the gear lever, which is like a Power Ranger's leg"

Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge, but there you go

Q:what's the difference between a blonde and a u.f.o A:people seen u.f.o s

Flying fish wasabi?

Killing a mamooth

There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

[In the P45]: "AH LORRY, LORRY, LORRY, LORRY! Oh a lot of poo SHOT out then!"

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

The Ford Focus "It's like an Air Hostess wearing orange"

The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

On the Vauxhall vectra: it's a cure for ADD, any child with would fall asleep in 3 minutes flat

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Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

-On the Morgan Aero 8 Clarkson: You spent money on that? Hammond: Yeah. why not? Clarkson: Thats like saying 'Well, I've had marriage proposals from Angelina Jolie, Penelope Cruz, Natalie Portman, but no, I'm going to marry John McCrirrick'

On the Crysler PT Cruiser: "The front looks like a face. A friendly face from the land that gave us friendly fire."

I don't like being overtaken. It's a sign of weakness.

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

Clarksonisms

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