- Clarksonisms

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tonight... we test drive... a fiat punto. a VW golf and adam burdass

As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

While discussing The Stig's tube leg of the race, on foot through london, "....or stig could be mistaken for a Brazillian plumber". Not very PC but very apt - and you are left in no doubt on his thoughts on the subject.

And again, I'm the voice of reason and commen sence

Hold on to your spleens everyone!

Converting a racing car into a street car is like watching porn with all the good bits cut out... all you end up watching is a close up of some sweaty bloke bobbing his head for half an hour.

On the Chrysler Crossfire: "This is the worst thing that's come out of Germans and Americans working together since a fellow named Adolphus Busch arrived in America, tasted the water, and said "yeah, I could make beer out of this." And we were given that headache in a can - Budweiser."

The BMW X5 M "... And I don't know about you, but I find this interior ... rather boring. Apart from that obviously, the torque thing. It's like sitting in someone's ear."

Speed has never killed anyone - suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you. - SMC Digital

On British Leyland: "Never in the field of human endeavour has so much been done, so badly, by so many."

See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of two pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!

The back of the BMW 6 series... it looks like a tramp's hat!

3 nominations on that award and David Coulthard finished 4th.

On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

This is the greatest car ... In the world

On the BMW X5 M There's a gallon of fuel gone there, and another there...and yet another there. As a matter of fact, the only way this car could be less annoying to eco-mentalists is if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.

M3 drivers have no friends.

[On the Citroen Berlingo]: "It's a very good car, so long as you want something that's equipped like a Romanian jail'

On the McLaren P1: "And as you hurdle around in a puddle of your own feces, grinning like an infant, the car is working on ways to go even faster."

When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

Clarksonisms

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