- Clarksonisms

M3 drivers have no friends.

POWER!!!!!!!!!!

There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

Man interviewing clarkson and hammond: What's your carbon footprint like? Clarkson: We dont have a carbon footprint we drive everywhere.

Clarkson on Chrysler Crossfire- I have been trying to think -what it is that this shape reminds me of and last night it came to me- you know when a dog....doing its....aahh...number II, that kind of arched back thing .....thats what it is(with hand gestures and disgusted expression).....HIDEOUS!.....EWWWW!!

On the Koenigsegg CCX “I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!”

"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" Audience laughs "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" audience gasps then applauds

The M3 CSL is going to be bought by the type of person who lies in bed at night thinking of his gearshift aggression strategy for his drive to work the next morning.

"... And his miserable flat 6 is no match for this V8 tower of power!" Jeremy Clarkson on Audi R8 & Porsche Carrera 2

on the Peugeot 206 gti the temperature was nudging 75 F and i was headed for London in the 206. After half a mile i was suspicious, after a mile i was angry. it may have an air conditioning button but it sure as hell doesn't have air conditioning. The Rolls-Royce system works with the power of 30 domestic refrigerators. Peugeot's works with the power of an asthmatic in Bangladesh blowing at you through a straw.

A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

The engine sounds like a Spitfire fighter plane

On the Ferrari Enzo: MOMMY!!!

Don't do that, tortoise!

Best Driving Roads: Yep, ah, It’s unlikely to be here cause everyone does 5mph (N. America), it’s not going to be here cause everyone is on drugs (S. America), that’s just all full of Ox (Africa), Al Gore says that’s gone (Antarctica) so its not going to be down there, That’s just all Spiders (Australia), sign posts are all full of gibberish (Japan), They’re all communist (Kazakhstan/Russia), can’t go there cause the Americans will shoot you (Iraq)

Bentley, Feawr Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, In Bentley No One Can Hear You Scream (In American Movie Trailer Voice)

I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i.

The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

Aston Martin Vanquish S "This is the last of the old-school Astons. It was built in the Newport Pagnell factory by men with body odour and hammers, rather than on the computer- controlled production line of the new Gaydon plant. And it shows. The car costs more than any other Aston yet is no quicker; its paddle shift gearbox is hilariously bad and its interior looks glued together from the Ford parts bin. It is the equivalent of opting for a rusty saw and leeches in the age of laser-guided brain surgery. Who is Aston kidding?

[FSO Polenez] It's less reliable than a pensioner's erection.

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

Jeremy on the Pagani Zonda F Roadster: "This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat."

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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