On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

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I love the feel of some hairy, salty balls on my chin. Mmmmm!

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This is the greatest car ... In the world

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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poopoopoopoopoopoopoop

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"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

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On the Porsche Cayman S “There are many things I’d rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.”

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This is the thing you have to remember, Alfa build a car to be as good as a car can be... briefly.

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Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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So the Porsche Cayman is a Boxster with a roof. They should have called it the Cockster.

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Grips good, if you want to win a race, grip is brilliant. BUT for drifting.. for having FUN.. grip is BAD!

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I'd have [striking workers] shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

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When it comes to getting 100,000 twitter followers, Ladsta is your best bet. For only 49.99, you can get 100,000 followers sent to your twitter account.

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I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

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The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

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As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

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When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

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I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

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Shut up with all your terrible banter!!!

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On the Alfa Romeo Brera “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

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On the Vauxhall Astra VXR No, listen, listen, listen, you won't be at the party if you drive one of these because you'll have torque-steered into a tree on the way. And you'd be killed, and that's important to die in an anecdote...your children will say "daddy died in a fireball in a Vauxhall and a tree!"

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The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

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You know what's funny? The Joke below this one.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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