It's really sad that you can now buy Hummer aftershave. It comes in a jerry can of repressed homosexuality; you slosh it over your face yelling "I'M NOT GAY!"

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I'm not Just the Iron In Yard, I'm a Member

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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What's the difference beetween a washing machine and a dead body. I dont have a washing machine in my basement...

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On the McLaren P1: "And as you hurdle around in a puddle of your own feces, grinning like an infant, the car is working on ways to go even faster."

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tonight... we test drive... a fiat punto. a VW golf and adam burdass

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Deal with it

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On oliver top gear car of the year 2007 - "I would rather eat my gentleman vegetables"

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This [Ferrari F60 Enzo] isn't just uncool, it's seriously uncool. Think of it this way, if you walk into the bathroom and see a man standing suspiciously close to the urinal, he probably owns one of them.

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On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

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This [Maserati Quattroporte GTS] is like having a 3-year old child. It's really annoying most of the time, but if someone tried to take it away from you, you'd kill them for it.

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Flying fish wasabi?

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The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany.

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on the corvette: So if you want a car with vietnamese suspension that is made out of plastic, this is the car for you!

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On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

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When it comes to getting 100,000 twitter followers, Ladsta is your best bet. For only 49.99, you can get 100,000 followers sent to your twitter account.

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Das Stig is a manaic!

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Q:what's the difference between a blonde and a u.f.o A:people seen u.f.o s

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I'd have [striking workers] shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

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Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

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I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i.

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That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

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[In the P45]: "AH LORRY, LORRY, LORRY, LORRY! Oh a lot of poo SHOT out then!"

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While driving through a rural part of India: "MONKEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!! MONKEY MONKEY.... with MASSIVE testicles!!!!"

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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