While driving through a rural part of India: "MONKEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!! MONKEY MONKEY.... with MASSIVE testicles!!!!"

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Hold on to your spleens everyone!

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"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" *Audience laughs* "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" *audience gasps then applauds*

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This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

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I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

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Converting a racing car into a street car is like watching porn with all the good bits cut out... all you end up watching is a close up of some sweaty bloke bobbing his head for half an hour.

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[On the Citroen Berlingo]: "It's a very good car, so long as you want something that's equipped like a Romanian jail'

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In German accent about Mercedes SATNAV "You must turn around und do it again, make und U-Turn!!!"

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On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

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Look at this fellow, he wants to bitch slap his hoe. Why not? Good luck to you fellow.

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On Gallardo Spyder "I am in love!"

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If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.

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By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge, but there you go

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When you buy a Honda, well, your stuck with a Honda.

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This is the thing you have to remember, Alfa build a car to be as good as a car can be... briefly.

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So the Porsche Cayman is a Boxster with a roof. They should have called it the Cockster.

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Are there any Spanish people here today? Yes? GIVE ME MY FISH BACK!

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Clarkson in a magazine, Take the Koala for instance, It spends half its life off its face on dope and the moment it gets scared it catches chlamydia

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The Amphibian Car Challenge "Which would come first, summer or James May?"

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[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

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Speed has never killed anyone - suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you. - SMC Digital

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People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

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on the Peugeot 206 gti the temperature was nudging 75 F and i was headed for London in the 206. After half a mile i was suspicious, after a mile i was angry. it may have an air conditioning button but it sure as hell doesn't have air conditioning. The Rolls-Royce system works with the power of 30 domestic refrigerators. Peugeot's works with the power of an asthmatic in Bangladesh blowing at you through a straw.

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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