There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

thumb_up thumb_down +91

Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

thumb_up thumb_down +4

Okay, engines for the Alfa Romeo Brera: 2.2 liters, 3.2 v6, and you can have a diesel if you're the type of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

thumb_up thumb_down -13

The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

thumb_up thumb_down +115

There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

thumb_up thumb_down +11

What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

thumb_up thumb_down +139

...The wheel arches are flared, the car is slightly lowered, and at the back there are extra poo shoots

thumb_up thumb_down -56

What's significant about San Francisco? Nothing really, just gay people.

thumb_up thumb_down +18

That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

thumb_up thumb_down +94

If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

thumb_up thumb_down +37

Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

thumb_up thumb_down +88

Das Stig is a manaic!

thumb_up thumb_down +35

I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

thumb_up thumb_down -38

[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

thumb_up thumb_down -44

The old Aston Martin DB7 was just a Jag in drag. It was an XJ-S in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different.

thumb_up thumb_down +9

These newer supercars are much kinder to the environment as well. For example, this one here: the only thing coming out of its tailpipes are baby foxes.

thumb_up thumb_down -1

On a Chevrolet Corvette "The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

thumb_up thumb_down +222

On the Ferrari 599 GTO: SPEEEEED, SPEEEED, and the noise of the SPEED!!!

thumb_up thumb_down +54

'Tinkering' with it, when you have a Lancia, is just another way of saying 'trying to make it start'. You go to a Lancia, turn the key and think, "Right, I better just 'tinker' with it and see if we can coax some life into the thing".

thumb_up thumb_down +104

On Detroit “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place."

thumb_up thumb_down +219

(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

thumb_up thumb_down +106

Volkswagen Jetta "I’d love to meet the man who styled the exterior, to find out if he’d done it as some sort of a joke. But mostly I’d like to meet the man who simply didn’t bother at all with the interior. Because looking at that dashboard gives you some idea of what it might be like to be dead."

thumb_up thumb_down +101

See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

thumb_up thumb_down

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

thumb_up thumb_down +134

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

When you're done here, check out our car fail site!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.