- Clarksonisms

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Old jags are like living inside James May but this one is like living inside James Kirk

That Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.

'Tinkering' with it, when you have a Lancia, is just another way of saying 'trying to make it start'. You go to a Lancia, turn the key and think, "Right, I better just 'tinker' with it and see if we can coax some life into the thing".

Just because something is unreliable doesn't mean it isn't great. Take, for example, Stephen Hawking. Great man, but most of him doesn't work.

The back of the BMW 6 series... it looks like a tramp's hat!

M3 drivers have no friends.

I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?

This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!'

On the Enzo Ferrari "I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

POWER!!!!!!!!!!

On the Mercedes CLS55: Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany.

Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

I'm in the seat of a Ford Sierra Cosworth, holding a flamethrower. Can't get much happier than that.

People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

Clarksonisms

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