Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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Q:what's the difference between a blonde and a u.f.o A:people seen u.f.o s

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What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

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Some Poos Come Out

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If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

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Today Jeremy Clarkson Married a Lamborghini and move to Switz

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'In Africa' Jeremy: And the Elephants use their noses to shovel water into their mouths. Richard: Thats a rubbish commentary.

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On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

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Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

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Driving a 1M As if somebody suddenly gave you the permission to set fire to Piers Morgan.

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Could you really get children to work in a factory? Becouse that would be brilliant!

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on the porsche 911 this is ridiculous , me liking this is like gordon brown going to the polling booth and saying " do you know what i think im going to vote tory "..... maybe he did

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Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

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ze5zege ef ege gg

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This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

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I'm in the seat of a Ford Sierra Cosworth, holding a flamethrower. Can't get much happier than that.

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Jeremy reading the safety labels on a Dodge Viper: This one is my favorite. "The top supports behind the seats are not a roll bar. This is an open vehicle--drive carefully..." No.

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Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and his crash helmet is modeled off of Britney Spears' head... All we know is he's called the Stig!

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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A man walked into a bar May he rest in peace

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How many years are there in donkey years?

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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