There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

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Deal with it

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This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

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The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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It's like putting a furious weasel in your underpants!

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On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

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The BMW X5 M "... And I don't know about you, but I find this interior ... rather boring. Apart from that obviously, the torque thing. It's like sitting in someone's ear."

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Could you really get children to work in a factory? Becouse that would be brilliant!

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On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

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On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

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(Referring to the Morris Marina) "The unpleasant log laid by British Leyland after communism crept like an itchy red blanket over the shop floor."

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BMW 645Ci "If you were to buy a 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside."

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If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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Are there any Spanish people here today? Yes? GIVE ME MY FISH BACK!

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In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

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Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

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Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks

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That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

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And again, I'm the voice of reason and commen sence

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(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

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During the Bugatti vs airplane trip "I will not be beaten by Captain Slow's flying washing machine!"

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Kia Rio "You may have seen The Fly II, in which a scientist attempts to teleport a dog. In one of the most gruesome scenes I’ve seen in a film it arrives at its destination completely inside out. Well the Rio is uglier than that. Inside, things get worse. "Small wonder Kia’s importer in Britain is sponsoring the Pedestrian Association’s Walking Bus scheme. The idea is that parents take it in turns to walk a group, or "bus", of children to their school in a morning. After three days of being transported in the Rio, my kids thought it was a brilliant idea to walk instead. Even though their school is 18 miles away and it was blowing a gale directly from the Canadian tundra."

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Cadillac SRX4 "This is a very ugly car. So ugly in fact that you’ll want to get inside it and shut the door as quickly as possible. But sadly when you are inside it’s even worse. "If it were a creature, it wouldn’t be a lion or a praying mantis or even a chimp. No, I think it would be a wasp — useless and hateful in equal measure"

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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