On the Vauxhall Astra VXR No, listen, listen, listen, you won't be at the party if you drive one of these because you'll have torque-steered into a tree on the way. And you'd be killed, and that's important to die in an anecdote...your children will say "daddy died in a fireball in a Vauxhall and a tree!"

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Volkswagen Jetta "I’d love to meet the man who styled the exterior, to find out if he’d done it as some sort of a joke. But mostly I’d like to meet the man who simply didn’t bother at all with the interior. Because looking at that dashboard gives you some idea of what it might be like to be dead."

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On the Renault Clio V6 “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

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By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge, but there you go

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tonight, james wears jack sanders like a hat, richard wears jack sanders like a hat, and i wear jack sanders like a hat

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While discussing The Stig's tube leg of the race, on foot through london, "....or stig could be mistaken for a Brazillian plumber". Not very PC but very apt - and you are left in no doubt on his thoughts on the subject.

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This [Maserati Quattroporte GTS] is like having a 3-year old child. It's really annoying most of the time, but if someone tried to take it away from you, you'd kill them for it.

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It's as reliable and long lasting as a pensioners erection.

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When you buy a Honda, well, your stuck with a Honda.

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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tonight... we test drive... a fiat punto. a VW golf and adam burdass

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Bentley, Feawr Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, In Bentley No One Can Hear You Scream (In American Movie Trailer Voice)

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Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

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That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

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On the Crysler PT Cruiser: "The front looks like a face. A friendly face from the land that gave us friendly fire."

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People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

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Could you really get children to work in a factory? Becouse that would be brilliant!

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It's really sad that you can now buy Hummer aftershave. It comes in a jerry can of repressed homosexuality; you slosh it over your face yelling "I'M NOT GAY!"

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Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and his crash helmet is modeled off of Britney Spears' head... All we know is he's called the Stig!

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Peugeot 407 Coupé 2.7 V6 HDi SE "It has the zip of a chairlift. With plodding performance and steady-as-she-goes handling the only thing this car will make you feel like is a cup of Horlicks with a splash of hemlock. Empty-nesters should buy a PlayStation instead, and spend the afternoon shooting crack whores."

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I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

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So the Porsche Cayman is a Boxster with a roof. They should have called it the Cockster.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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