(Upon seeing a gentleman with shoulder-length hair in the audience): "Jesus is here!"

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On Detroit “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place."

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poopoopoopoopoopoopoop

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this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

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The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

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It's like God having really unusual sex. (On the sound of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia)

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In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

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Okay, engines for the Alfa Romeo Brera: 2.2 liters, 3.2 v6, and you can have a diesel if you're the type of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

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Look at this fellow, he wants to bitch slap his hoe. Why not? Good luck to you fellow.

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I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

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Hammond: "The premiums for 17 year old girls are around half what they are for 17 year old boys" Clarkson: "Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there! If you're a 17 year old and you need car insurance, slice your penis off."

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On the Vauxhall Astra VXR No, listen, listen, listen, you won't be at the party if you drive one of these because you'll have torque-steered into a tree on the way. And you'd be killed, and that's important to die in an anecdote...your children will say "daddy died in a fireball in a Vauxhall and a tree!"

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There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

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When you buy a Honda, well, your stuck with a Honda.

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what`s the difference of a blonde and a ufo people have ufos

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Best to you with our ice cream van with a gun on top of it.

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On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

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This is the thing you have to remember, Alfa build a car to be as good as a car can be... briefly.

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Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

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The Ford Focus "It's like an Air Hostess wearing orange"

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When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

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Because of the French the concept if a car doesn't exist anymore

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Where do I like to watch my car videos? You guessed it. CarVideos site

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Now that we have power steering, all you have to do [to race] is lie down, turn the wheel, and if you want to win all you have to do is go a little bit faster than all the others.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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