- Clarksonisms

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You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

poopoopoopoopoopoopoop

The back of the BMW 6 series... it looks like a tramp's hat!

It stands out like

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

"And even supposing British cars were terrible, we wouldn't go about saying so. You don't see Jack Bauer saying 'Don't come to America, it's filled with terrorists'!"

"Still, if you want one [X5 M], get your nurse to find you a crayon and write out a check for seventy six thousand pounds...or if you don't understand how crayons work, you could spend even more on this rather ugly Audi."

I'll tell you what. We'll try it my way first... and then we'll finish.

[On the Citroen Berlingo]: "It's a very good car, so long as you want something that's equipped like a Romanian jail'

In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

And, it's made in Britain! Which is another way of saying the door is going to fall off.

In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" Audience laughs "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" audience gasps then applauds

On British Leyland: "Never in the field of human endeavour has so much been done, so badly, by so many."

LOTUS - Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious.

"I mean let's be honest about the Bently, it's simply a Volkswagen with some wood grain."

I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

Flying fish wasabi?

There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

Man interviewing clarkson and hammond: What's your carbon footprint like? Clarkson: We dont have a carbon footprint we drive everywhere.

Look at this fellow, he wants to bitch slap his hoe. Why not? Good luck to you fellow.

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Clarksonisms

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