- Clarksonisms

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In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of two pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!

Buying this car for its dynamic abilities, is like buying a porn film for its plot.

There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

Hammond: "The premiums for 17 year old girls are around half what they are for 17 year old boys" Clarkson: "Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there! If you're a 17 year old and you need car insurance, slice your penis off."

[On Hammond's Dolomite Sprint] My washing machine moves around the kitchen faster than that!

Driving a 1M As if somebody suddenly gave you the permission to set fire to Piers Morgan.

I'm not Just the Iron In Yard, I'm a Member

Are there any Spanish people here today? Yes? GIVE ME MY FISH BACK!

These newer supercars are much kinder to the environment as well. For example, this one here: the only thing coming out of its tailpipes are baby foxes.

The Stig: Some say he was born in space, and that he is illegal in 17 U.S. states.

(Clarksons article regarding his daughters first car) " I wanted something with 2000 airbags, I wanted a bouncy castle with wipers"

People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

This [Maserati Quattroporte GTS] is like having a 3-year old child. It's really annoying most of the time, but if someone tried to take it away from you, you'd kill them for it.

On the Vauxhall vectra: it's a cure for ADD, any child with would fall asleep in 3 minutes flat

'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.

The engine sounds like a Spitfire fighter plane

ze5zege ef ege gg

What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

This [Ferrari F60 Enzo] isn't just uncool, it's seriously uncool. Think of it this way, if you walk into the bathroom and see a man standing suspiciously close to the urinal, he probably owns one of them.

Clarksonisms

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