On the BMW X5 M There's a gallon of fuel gone there, and another there...and yet another there. As a matter of fact, the only way this car could be less annoying to eco-mentalists is if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.

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[In the Police Car Challenge] In jail, no one can here you scream

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It's like putting a furious weasel in your underpants!

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Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase. . .this is like smearing honey into Keira Knightly. -driving the Audi R8

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When discussing the suspension adjustability on the Bentley Continental GT. "It really is about as useful as having a snooze button on a smoke alarm".

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Cadillac SRX4 "This is a very ugly car. So ugly in fact that you’ll want to get inside it and shut the door as quickly as possible. But sadly when you are inside it’s even worse. "If it were a creature, it wouldn’t be a lion or a praying mantis or even a chimp. No, I think it would be a wasp — useless and hateful in equal measure"

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This is the greatest car ... In the world

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Just because something is unreliable doesn't mean it isn't great. Take, for example, Stephen Hawking. Great man, but most of him doesn't work.

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This [Ferrari F60 Enzo] isn't just uncool, it's seriously uncool. Think of it this way, if you walk into the bathroom and see a man standing suspiciously close to the urinal, he probably owns one of them.

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As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

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On the McLaren P1: "And as you hurdle around in a puddle of your own feces, grinning like an infant, the car is working on ways to go even faster."

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You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

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"So having a twin turbo V12 diesel is like, turning your central heating off at home, and then keeping warm ... by burning Rembrandts." Audi Q7 V12 TDI

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I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

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Clarkson on saving money How's this for an idea?...never brake

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Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

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This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

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Deal with it

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The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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"I never really liked cars nor speed, so from this show and on forward, we are going to show you Japans top ten best poopie in the toilet cameras while we sit here and just fap!" *Audience laughs* "Yes, and we wont fap ourselves! In fact we will blow each other!" *audience gasps then applauds*

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And again, I'm the voice of reason and commen sence

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"Aston Martin DB9. That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography."

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Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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