- Clarksonisms

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It's perfect for short trips to the golf club. As a matter of fact, the [Mercedes CLS's] Satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations, and golf courses: everything the modern Mercedes driver needs.

On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

Man interviewing clarkson and hammond: What's your carbon footprint like? Clarkson: We dont have a carbon footprint we drive everywhere.

What did the black guy say to the brown guy we are both victims I racism

There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

We'll try it my way first, and then we'll finish it.

What's worse then stubbing your toe? Finding out one of your loved ones died.

Jeremy on the Pagani Zonda F Roadster: "This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat."

And, it's made in Britain! Which is another way of saying the door is going to fall off.

On the BMW x5 h&m The result is like putting a furious weasel in your underpants

Regarding driving a Reliant Robin: "What we're about to do is about as dangerous as...inviting your mum over for an evening on ChatRoulette."

On the Lotus Exige “To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bacofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.”

On the TVR Tuscan 2 “It’s supposed to be easier to live with, and easier to drive... so has it worked? Ohh... Oh, my God. No... no... no, no, no. No. No. No, it hasn’t.”

A man walked into a bar May he rest in peace

Deal with it

Listen to this chap. He wants to "bitch slap his hoe" why not. Good luck to ya fella

The Ford Focus "It's like an Air Hostess wearing orange"

-On the Morgan Aero 8 Clarkson: You spent money on that? Hammond: Yeah. why not? Clarkson: Thats like saying 'Well, I've had marriage proposals from Angelina Jolie, Penelope Cruz, Natalie Portman, but no, I'm going to marry John McCrirrick'

What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

Now, what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine, but a little field mouse named Gerald, and considering its price, your better off literally eating seventeen and a half thousand pounds. Of gravel. -Jezza on the ford focus se

(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

This is the thing you have to remember, Alfa build a car to be as good as a car can be... briefly.

Clarksonisms

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