Clarkson in a magazine, Take the Koala for instance, It spends half its life off its face on dope and the moment it gets scared it catches chlamydia

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[FSO Polenez] It's less reliable than a pensioner's erection.

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On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

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Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

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You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

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This is the new Maserati 4x4. It's called the Kubang, which being a Maserati, probably also the sound it'll make when the warranty expires.

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The Amphibian Car Challenge "Which would come first, summer or James May?"

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Speed is the solution to everything, not that I have ever done it, I mean I love speed but, not the other thing, the actual speed, the thing that makes you go really crazy and feel adrenaline curse trough you like hell! No not the stimulant, well actually... ...COME ON YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! (believe it or not, this is how he behaved when drunk 5 years ago, funny guy even when he is not trying to)

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Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

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How hard can it be?

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It's like God having really unusual sex. (On the sound of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia)

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When you buy a Honda, well, your stuck with a Honda.

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[Stretch Limos Challenge] - ... for some extraodinary reason the rules say you can't drive a 46-foot car on the public highway, so I had to do some surgery...

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You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

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Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

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I'll tell you what. We'll try it my way first... and then we'll finish.

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Doesn't matter if it's Hell in a Cell, Rage in a Cage or Painus in your anus!

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On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

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On the BMW x5 h&m The result is like putting a furious weasel in your underpants

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car goes fast

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(On the TukTuk) I think I have cancer now.

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Buying this car for its dynamic abilities, is like buying a porn film for its plot.

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And after a riged phone vote , The Stig has a new name. He called Cuddles

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It's like being tangled in a douvet on a hot night, I hate it!" Describibg one of the awful American pieces of tat on the good bad and the ugly dvd. Brilliant

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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