Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.

On Detroit “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place."

On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

On the Enzo Ferrari “Ferrari is so pleased with it they’ve named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That’d be the same as Lotus calling their next car... ‘The Colin.’”

You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

"So having a twin turbo V12 diesel is like, turning your central heating off at home, and then keeping warm ... by burning Rembrandts." Audi Q7 V12 TDI

"I’m choosing the words for my conclusion with even more care than usual. So here goes. The 1-series is crap." BMW 1 Series

Aston Martin Vanquish S "This is the last of the old-school Astons. It was built in the Newport Pagnell factory by men with body odour and hammers, rather than on the computer- controlled production line of the new Gaydon plant. And it shows. The car costs more than any other Aston yet is no quicker; its paddle shift gearbox is hilariously bad and its interior looks glued together from the Ford parts bin. It is the equivalent of opting for a rusty saw and leeches in the age of laser-guided brain surgery. Who is Aston kidding?

The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

The engine sounds like a Spitfire fighter plane

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

[Stretch Limos Challenge] - ... for some extraodinary reason the rules say you can't drive a 46-foot car on the public highway, so I had to do some surgery...

You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

On the Alfa Romeo Brera “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

Motor from a food blender?

As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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