In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

On Detroit “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place."

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

On the Alfa Romeo 8C "as Sir Francis Bacon once said, 'there is no beauty which hath not some strangeness about its proportions'. And he's right, who ever he is. I mean, look at keira Knightley. She's just an ironing board with a face. And she works."

"I’m choosing the words for my conclusion with even more care than usual. So here goes. The 1-series is crap." BMW 1 Series

"So having a twin turbo V12 diesel is like, turning your central heating off at home, and then keeping warm ... by burning Rembrandts." Audi Q7 V12 TDI

On the Renault Clio V6 “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

"Aston Martin DB9. That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography."

This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

Cadillac SRX4 "This is a very ugly car. So ugly in fact that you’ll want to get inside it and shut the door as quickly as possible. But sadly when you are inside it’s even worse. "If it were a creature, it wouldn’t be a lion or a praying mantis or even a chimp. No, I think it would be a wasp — useless and hateful in equal measure"

Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

Motorized pepper grinder?

The engine sounds like a Spitfire fighter plane

Motor from a food blender?

On the GT (Between Hammond and Clarkson) Hammond: So with that, the Ford GT gets 75 miles per tank. Jeremy, how far is it to work from your house?" Clarkson: "76 miles..."

On the Alfa Romeo Brera “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

[Stretch Limos Challenge] - ... for some extraodinary reason the rules say you can't drive a 46-foot car on the public highway, so I had to do some surgery...

The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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