Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

On the Renault Clio V6 “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

On Detroit “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place."

On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

"I’m choosing the words for my conclusion with even more care than usual. So here goes. The 1-series is crap." BMW 1 Series

"So having a twin turbo V12 diesel is like, turning your central heating off at home, and then keeping warm ... by burning Rembrandts." Audi Q7 V12 TDI

This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

Aston Martin Vanquish S "This is the last of the old-school Astons. It was built in the Newport Pagnell factory by men with body odour and hammers, rather than on the computer- controlled production line of the new Gaydon plant. And it shows. The car costs more than any other Aston yet is no quicker; its paddle shift gearbox is hilariously bad and its interior looks glued together from the Ford parts bin. It is the equivalent of opting for a rusty saw and leeches in the age of laser-guided brain surgery. Who is Aston kidding?

The engine sounds like a Spitfire fighter plane

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

"Aston Martin DB9. That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography."

I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

[Stretch Limos Challenge] - ... for some extraodinary reason the rules say you can't drive a 46-foot car on the public highway, so I had to do some surgery...

Motor from a food blender?

Regarding driving a Reliant Robin: "What we're about to do is about as dangerous as...inviting your mum over for an evening on ChatRoulette."

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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