- Clarksonisms

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[On the Jaguar S-Type Concept Car]: If that car comes out like that then I will cut my left leg off and beat myself to death with it

As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

The Amphibian Car Challenge "Which would come first, summer or James May?"

What did the black guy say to the brown guy we are both victims I racism

On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

What's the difference beetween a washing machine and a dead body. I dont have a washing machine in my basement...

Man interviewing clarkson and hammond: What's your carbon footprint like? Clarkson: We dont have a carbon footprint we drive everywhere.

On the Alfa Romeo 8C "as Sir Francis Bacon once said, 'there is no beauty which hath not some strangeness about its proportions'. And he's right, who ever he is. I mean, look at keira Knightley. She's just an ironing board with a face. And she works."

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

Now, what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine, but a little field mouse named Gerald, and considering its price, your better off literally eating seventeen and a half thousand pounds. Of gravel. -Jezza on the ford focus se

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

A Hummer; You need 280574965897831756791492756237859087683472390645839057644382457684385739248759320842013878742178347658375843921764 gallons of gas to get out of the garage.

On the TVR Tuscan 2 “It’s supposed to be easier to live with, and easier to drive... so has it worked? Ohh... Oh, my God. No... no... no, no, no. No. No. No, it hasn’t.”

Converting a racing car into a street car is like watching porn with all the good bits cut out... all you end up watching is a close up of some sweaty bloke bobbing his head for half an hour.

On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

I'd have [striking workers] shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

(On the TukTuk) I think I have cancer now.

I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

This is winnie the pooh with road rage

Okay, engines for the Alfa Romeo Brera: 2.2 liters, 3.2 v6, and you can have a diesel if you're the type of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

Clarksonisms

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