On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

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What's significant about San Francisco? Nothing really, just gay people.

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This is winnie the pooh with road rage

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[£100 car challenge] Hammond: I've managed to procure an x-ray of Jeremy's hand and it's 5 points off for a broken bone remember; look at the thumb, it's broken! Jeremy: It isn't Richard:It is, you broke your thumb! Jeremy: ...it's chipped.

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On oliver top gear car of the year 2007 - "I would rather eat my gentleman vegetables"

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Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

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LOTUS - Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious.

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Describing the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder's sound: It's like listening to the Cirque Du Soleil being chopped up by their own chainsaws.

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I love the feel of some hairy, salty balls on my chin. Mmmmm!

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[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

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It's like sitting on Dawn French!

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There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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"Aston Martin DB9. That's not really a racing car, that's just pornography."

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I'd have [striking workers] shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

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While discussing The Stig's tube leg of the race, on foot through london, "....or stig could be mistaken for a Brazillian plumber". Not very PC but very apt - and you are left in no doubt on his thoughts on the subject.

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That Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.

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On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

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Today, Porsche brings ANOTHER 911 to an already confused world...

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That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

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Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

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(Clarksons article regarding his daughters first car) " I wanted something with 2000 airbags, I wanted a bouncy castle with wipers"

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Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.

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The only way to stop faster..is to hit a tree.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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