There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

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It stands out like

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When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

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People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

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'Tinkering' with it, when you have a Lancia, is just another way of saying 'trying to make it start'. You go to a Lancia, turn the key and think, "Right, I better just 'tinker' with it and see if we can coax some life into the thing".

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It's not a torch! It's a RAMPANT RABBIT!!

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Tonight.. Leon finds a bin, Jack sanders takes over the bin, And James may, eats the bin.

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Announcing the Top Gear Awards in December 2005] “Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn’t move an inch.

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I'm in the seat of a Ford Sierra Cosworth, holding a flamethrower. Can't get much happier than that.

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While driving through a rural part of India: "MONKEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!! MONKEY MONKEY.... with MASSIVE testicles!!!!"

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"So having a twin turbo V12 diesel is like, turning your central heating off at home, and then keeping warm ... by burning Rembrandts." Audi Q7 V12 TDI

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And, it's made in Britain! Which is another way of saying the door is going to fall off.

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On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

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I don't know why we became clarksonisms, Think your fancy HUH.

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I love the feel of some hairy, salty balls on my chin. Mmmmm!

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On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

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See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

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Cadillac SRX4 "This is a very ugly car. So ugly in fact that you’ll want to get inside it and shut the door as quickly as possible. But sadly when you are inside it’s even worse. "If it were a creature, it wouldn’t be a lion or a praying mantis or even a chimp. No, I think it would be a wasp — useless and hateful in equal measure"

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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Motorized pepper grinder?

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In German accent about Mercedes SATNAV "You must turn around und do it again, make und U-Turn!!!"

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How hard can it be?

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Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

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In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I’d have America’s foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran’s nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and Maserati’s gearbox at number one. It is that bad.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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