In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

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On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

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Tonight.. Leon finds a bin, Jack sanders takes over the bin, And James may, eats the bin.

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Look at this fellow, he wants to bitch slap his hoe. Why not? Good luck to you fellow.

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On the Citroën Berlingo: You can tell when a car firm is desperate to find things to say about their car, just look at the website: it has a laminated front windscreen, single front passenger seat, and manually adjustable door mirrors. So no electric mirrors, no alloy wheels. So it's a very good car so long as you want something that's equipped like a Romanian jail.

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On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

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There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

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Hold on to your spleens everyone!

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What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

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On British Leyland: "Never in the field of human endeavour has so much been done, so badly, by so many."

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This is winnie the pooh with road rage

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Motor from a food blender?

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[On the Aston Martin DBS]: "I especially like the gear lever, which is like a Power Ranger's leg"

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The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

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While playing the video game Gran Turismo "Aston Martin DB9 – that’s not a racecar, that’s pornography."

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I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

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It's like being tangled in a douvet on a hot night, I hate it!" Describibg one of the awful American pieces of tat on the good bad and the ugly dvd. Brilliant

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[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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It's like God having really unusual sex. (On the sound of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia)

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On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

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Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

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what`s the difference of a blonde and a ufo people have ufos

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Doesn't matter if it's Hell in a Cell, Rage in a Cage or Painus in your anus!

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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