I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i.

thumb_up thumb_down -540

[On the Jaguar S-Type Concept Car]: If that car comes out like that then I will cut my left leg off and beat myself to death with it

thumb_up thumb_down +20

Killing a mamooth

thumb_up thumb_down

The back of the BMW 6 series... it looks like a tramp's hat!

thumb_up thumb_down -12

On the Vauxhall vectra: it's a cure for ADD, any child with would fall asleep in 3 minutes flat

thumb_up thumb_down -24

I was driving this [Bentley Brooklands] on a sort of normal B road the other day, and it gave me some idea what it would be like to try and park the moon.

thumb_up thumb_down +68

Yes, it's firm, but it's not uncomfortable. I mean compared to hanging from a bird's nest...by your fingernails...a million feet above some pointy boulders, for example.

thumb_up thumb_down +103

Some Poos Come Out

thumb_up thumb_down +61

[On the Citroen Berlingo]: "It's a very good car, so long as you want something that's equipped like a Romanian jail'

thumb_up thumb_down +21

"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

thumb_up thumb_down +116

Flying fish wasabi?

thumb_up thumb_down +106

I do not understand why some people refer to their cars as "She" , lovingly. You never screw your car.

thumb_up thumb_down +35

Best to you with our ice cream van with a gun on top of it.

thumb_up thumb_down +105

On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

thumb_up thumb_down +75

"Still, if you want one [X5 M], get your nurse to find you a crayon and write out a check for seventy six thousand pounds...or if you don't understand how crayons work, you could spend even more on this rather ugly Audi."

thumb_up thumb_down -114

Volkswagen Jetta "I’d love to meet the man who styled the exterior, to find out if he’d done it as some sort of a joke. But mostly I’d like to meet the man who simply didn’t bother at all with the interior. Because looking at that dashboard gives you some idea of what it might be like to be dead."

thumb_up thumb_down +98

On the Brabus SL: "A 1000 torques is what you'd use for... restarting a dead planet."

thumb_up thumb_down +9

On the mclaren MP4-12C The first thing I would like to know is why they've named it after a fax machine.

thumb_up thumb_down +219

During the color-mixing for the elderly-friendly Fiat (Multipla) Rover James: "So you can make any color we want? Can you do my left nipple?"

thumb_up thumb_down -138

Speed is the solution to everything, not that I have ever done it, I mean I love speed but, not the other thing, the actual speed, the thing that makes you go really crazy and feel adrenaline curse trough you like hell! No not the stimulant, well actually... ...COME ON YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! (believe it or not, this is how he behaved when drunk 5 years ago, funny guy even when he is not trying to)

thumb_up thumb_down +58

on the Peugeot 206 gti the temperature was nudging 75 F and i was headed for London in the 206. After half a mile i was suspicious, after a mile i was angry. it may have an air conditioning button but it sure as hell doesn't have air conditioning. The Rolls-Royce system works with the power of 30 domestic refrigerators. Peugeot's works with the power of an asthmatic in Bangladesh blowing at you through a straw.

thumb_up thumb_down -31

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

thumb_up thumb_down +130

It's like God having really unusual sex. (On the sound of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia)

thumb_up thumb_down +114

Now the interesting thing about this car is that under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.

thumb_up thumb_down +53

Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

When you're done here, check out our car fail site!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.