The M3 CSL is going to be bought by the type of person who lies in bed at night thinking of his gearshift aggression strategy for his drive to work the next morning.

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What did the black guy say to the brown guy we are both victims I racism

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What's significant about San Francisco? Nothing really, just gay people.

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"Still, if you want one [X5 M], get your nurse to find you a crayon and write out a check for seventy six thousand pounds...or if you don't understand how crayons work, you could spend even more on this rather ugly Audi."

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On the TVR Tuscan 2 “You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon’s backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says it’s too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone’s tried to mend their own shoes.

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Clarkson on saving money How's this for an idea?...never brake

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[On Hammond's Dolomite Sprint] My washing machine moves around the kitchen faster than that!

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What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

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The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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[On the Clio V6]: It had the worst turning circle in the world - you had to actually go round the world to actually turn it round.

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Announcing the Top Gear Awards in December 2005] “Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn’t move an inch.

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The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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I believe in speed - power... power and speed solve many things!

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On the mclaren MP4-12C The first thing I would like to know is why they've named it after a fax machine.

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As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

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I'll tell you what. We'll try it my way first... and then we'll finish.

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Best to you with our ice cream van with a gun on top of it.

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On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

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Tonight.. Leon finds a bin, Jack sanders takes over the bin, And James may, eats the bin.

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"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

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Clarkson on Chrysler Crossfire- I have been trying to think -what it is that this shape reminds me of and last night it came to me- you know when a dog....doing its....aahh...number II, that kind of arched back thing .....thats what it is(with hand gestures and disgusted expression).....HIDEOUS!.....EWWWW!!

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I don't always play guitar, but when I do, I'm awesome.

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Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill, and then run over him again, for good measure. They're designed to melt ice-caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands, and turn the entire Third World into a huge uninhabitable desert... but only after they've nicked all the world's oil.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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