- Clarksonisms

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.

The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

Talking to Hammond along with James: Same Time: "YOUR AN AMERICAN HAMMOND, THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH."

This is the new Maserati 4x4. It's called the Kubang, which being a Maserati, probably also the sound it'll make when the warranty expires.

During the color-mixing for the elderly-friendly Fiat (Multipla) Rover James: "So you can make any color we want? Can you do my left nipple?"

tonight, james wears jack sanders like a hat, richard wears jack sanders like a hat, and i wear jack sanders like a hat

'Tinkering' with it, when you have a Lancia, is just another way of saying 'trying to make it start'. You go to a Lancia, turn the key and think, "Right, I better just 'tinker' with it and see if we can coax some life into the thing".

Das Stig is a manaic!

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.

What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

In the WOOORLD...

I was driving this [Bentley Brooklands] on a sort of normal B road the other day, and it gave me some idea what it would be like to try and park the moon.

Pintos are like virgin girls. You hit one in the rear and BOOM!

Some Poos Come Out

[On the Clio V6]: It had the worst turning circle in the world - you had to actually go round the world to actually turn it round.

I love the feel of some hairy, salty balls on my chin. Mmmmm!

On the Alfa Romeo 8C "as Sir Francis Bacon once said, 'there is no beauty which hath not some strangeness about its proportions'. And he's right, who ever he is. I mean, look at keira Knightley. She's just an ironing board with a face. And she works."

"I mean let's be honest about the Bently, it's simply a Volkswagen with some wood grain."

most of you will think that showing up in cars like these in romania is like going to somalia with a suit made out of food...

How many years are there in donkey years?

"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

[In the Police Car Challenge] In jail, no one can here you scream

Clarksonisms

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