Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

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You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

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Pintos are like virgin girls. You hit one in the rear and BOOM!

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On the Brabus SL: "A 1000 torques is what you'd use for... restarting a dead planet."

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You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

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Kia Rio "You may have seen The Fly II, in which a scientist attempts to teleport a dog. In one of the most gruesome scenes I’ve seen in a film it arrives at its destination completely inside out. Well the Rio is uglier than that. Inside, things get worse. "Small wonder Kia’s importer in Britain is sponsoring the Pedestrian Association’s Walking Bus scheme. The idea is that parents take it in turns to walk a group, or "bus", of children to their school in a morning. After three days of being transported in the Rio, my kids thought it was a brilliant idea to walk instead. Even though their school is 18 miles away and it was blowing a gale directly from the Canadian tundra."

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"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

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"So having a twin turbo V12 diesel is like, turning your central heating off at home, and then keeping warm ... by burning Rembrandts." Audi Q7 V12 TDI

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The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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This is what scares me. It's called the Trojan and because it's part tank, part bulldozer, it's the king of...wherever it damn well wants to go.

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Today Jeremy Clarkson Married a Lamborghini and move to Switz

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By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge, but there you go

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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Now what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine. You get a little field mouse named Gerald.

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Cadillac SRX4 "This is a very ugly car. So ugly in fact that you’ll want to get inside it and shut the door as quickly as possible. But sadly when you are inside it’s even worse. "If it were a creature, it wouldn’t be a lion or a praying mantis or even a chimp. No, I think it would be a wasp — useless and hateful in equal measure"

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It's like being tangled in a douvet on a hot night, I hate it!" Describibg one of the awful American pieces of tat on the good bad and the ugly dvd. Brilliant

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On the GT (Between Hammond and Clarkson) Hammond: So with that, the Ford GT gets 75 miles per tank. Jeremy, how far is it to work from your house?" Clarkson: "76 miles..."

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If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.

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On cars at a Max Power show "Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up."

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There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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Volkswagen Jetta "I’d love to meet the man who styled the exterior, to find out if he’d done it as some sort of a joke. But mostly I’d like to meet the man who simply didn’t bother at all with the interior. Because looking at that dashboard gives you some idea of what it might be like to be dead."

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On the Ferrari 599 GTO: SPEEEEED, SPEEEED, and the noise of the SPEED!!!

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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