This is the thing you have to remember, Alfa build a car to be as good as a car can be... briefly.

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[Top Gear Awards]: Now it's time for the ugliest car of the year and the nominees... - actually there's no point is there, it's the Mini Clubman. That's the ugliest.

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Regarding driving a Reliant Robin: "What we're about to do is about as dangerous as...inviting your mum over for an evening on ChatRoulette."

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I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

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I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

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Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

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In the WOOORLD...

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On the Renault Clio V6 “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

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This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

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The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany.

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Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

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I'll tell you what. We'll try it my way first... and then we'll finish.

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Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.

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I love the feel of some hairy, salty balls on my chin. Mmmmm!

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I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

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I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

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Now that we have power steering, all you have to do [to race] is lie down, turn the wheel, and if you want to win all you have to do is go a little bit faster than all the others.

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[On Hammond's Dolomite Sprint] My washing machine moves around the kitchen faster than that!

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The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

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"How do I tell James to slow down?"

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The back of the BMW 6 series... it looks like a tramp's hat!

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If you've got a better route map from the AA website, why don't you write to us at 'I asked the AA for a route to King's Lynn and now I'm on the International Space Station', Top Gear, London

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On the Vauxhall Astra VXR No, listen, listen, listen, you won't be at the party if you drive one of these because you'll have torque-steered into a tree on the way. And you'd be killed, and that's important to die in an anecdote...your children will say "daddy died in a fireball in a Vauxhall and a tree!"

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On Gallardo Spyder "I am in love!"

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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