'Tinkering' with it, when you have a Lancia, is just another way of saying 'trying to make it start'. You go to a Lancia, turn the key and think, "Right, I better just 'tinker' with it and see if we can coax some life into the thing".

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On the TVR Tuscan 2 “You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon’s backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says it’s too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone’s tried to mend their own shoes.

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This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

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On Segways "They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

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And, it's made in Britain! Which is another way of saying the door is going to fall off.

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Best to you with our ice cream van with a gun on top of it.

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ze5zege ef ege gg

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

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On oliver top gear car of the year 2007 - "I would rather eat my gentleman vegetables"

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[FSO Polenez] It's less reliable than a pensioner's erection.

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Now that we have power steering, all you have to do [to race] is lie down, turn the wheel, and if you want to win all you have to do is go a little bit faster than all the others.

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On James May: "He also hasn't got a penis cause it came off once."

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You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

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[Stretch Limos Challenge] - ... for some extraodinary reason the rules say you can't drive a 46-foot car on the public highway, so I had to do some surgery...

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This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

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The M3 CSL is going to be bought by the type of person who lies in bed at night thinking of his gearshift aggression strategy for his drive to work the next morning.

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"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

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I'd have [striking workers] shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

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The engine sounds like a Spitfire fighter plane

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Aston Martin Vanquish S "This is the last of the old-school Astons. It was built in the Newport Pagnell factory by men with body odour and hammers, rather than on the computer- controlled production line of the new Gaydon plant. And it shows. The car costs more than any other Aston yet is no quicker; its paddle shift gearbox is hilariously bad and its interior looks glued together from the Ford parts bin. It is the equivalent of opting for a rusty saw and leeches in the age of laser-guided brain surgery. Who is Aston kidding?

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The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

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What did the orphan kids get for Christmas? Cancer.

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As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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