Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

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I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

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Speed has never killed anyone - suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you. - SMC Digital

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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You can't be a true petrolhead until you've owned an Alfa Romeo

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Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

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What's worse then stubbing your toe? Finding out one of your loved ones died.

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(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

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"Only the americans would invent a car polish you can eat."

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It's like God having really unusual sex. (On the sound of the Ferrari 430 Scuderia)

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what`s the difference of a blonde and a ufo people have ufos

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The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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Peugeot 407 Coupé 2.7 V6 HDi SE "It has the zip of a chairlift. With plodding performance and steady-as-she-goes handling the only thing this car will make you feel like is a cup of Horlicks with a splash of hemlock. Empty-nesters should buy a PlayStation instead, and spend the afternoon shooting crack whores."

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I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

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'In Africa' Jeremy: And the Elephants use their noses to shovel water into their mouths. Richard: Thats a rubbish commentary.

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Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill, and then run over him again, for good measure. They're designed to melt ice-caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands, and turn the entire Third World into a huge uninhabitable desert... but only after they've nicked all the world's oil.

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It's perfect for short trips to the golf club. As a matter of fact, the [Mercedes CLS's] Satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations, and golf courses: everything the modern Mercedes driver needs.

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Clarkson on saving money How's this for an idea?...never brake

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...In the world.

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On the Renault Clio V6 “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

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Shut up with all your terrible banter!!!

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I WONDER WHAT HAPPEN’S WHEN DOCTOR’S WIFE EATS AN APPLE A DAY. Source: Pingzic collection of WhatsApp Status

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I do not understand why some people refer to their cars as "She" , lovingly. You never screw your car.

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POOOOWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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